fitz happens

cooking with boys

2012-01-26T13:13:00.005-07:00

A couple weeks ago, when our family was gathered for lunch, someone mentioned whose daughter I was. Ronin nonchalantly looks up from eating and asks, "What's a daughter?"

Everyone chuckled, realizing that this is a word which does not fit into our vocabulary since there are four sons, four brothers, and only one mom.

The absence of girls really does change things, though I don't always notice just how much.

One night the boys were helping me make cookies (which means they poured in a few ingredients, stared at the mixer, and incessantly asked when the cookies would be ready). As the butter and sugar were creaming, they both stood on stools; peering in unable to control their laughter. Ronin thought the sound was exactly like the sound of their dart guns hitting each other on their bare backs.

After they recovered from laughing, their noses were nearly in the mixer smelling that wonderful aroma of sugar, butter, eggs, and vanilla. They were breathing it in.

The store had been out of regular semi-sweet chocolate chips so I bought the mini ones instead. As I poured them in, Davis exclaimed, "Bees!! It looks like a bunch of bees!" As the chips were folded into the dough, it just affirmed it for him, "it really looks like a beehive now." More laughter, this time from all three of us.

They sat on the counter after I had put the first batch in the oven. Fresh baked cookies have a way of luring any boy into the kitchen and it wasn't long until Kevin was at the table waiting for a warm cookie. Out of the first two batches of cookies only two were left on the plate; and three guys at the table with empty milk glasses, napkins with crumbs, and big smiles.

faded knees

2011-12-16T08:44:00.003-07:00

An entire week of December went by before I managed to change the page on our calendar. When I finally did, I took a step back and stared.

The picture for December is from last December: my parents, brothers, their wives, children, and our family. The four men sat in front with the ladies behind them. The longer I looked I realized all of the men had faded knees on their jeans.

A visible indication of time spent with nieces, nephews, granddaughters, grandsons, sons, and daughters. Everyday since changing the calendar, when I glance at it, I smile at the faded knees because it's not style they were going for, it's love.

be the moon

2011-12-04T20:31:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure Mardel still sells the t-shirt with that phrase on the front: Be the Moon. On the back it says, reflect the Son. As cheesy as it sounds, it is an accurate description of what we should do, and actually what we will do if we are spending time with God (the Father). When we're not spending time with Him, we will inevitably show our nastier selves in a variety of ways.

Remember when your kid was two or three and you would notice some quirky little trait or some irrational fear they had? It's cause they were being the moon. There is an intentional parallel between us and our children and God and His children.

We easily notice when we are more patient, loving, and kind with those around us as a result of being with Jesus and reading the Bible to sustain our souls, but what we often fail to notice is when our own children display characteristics they have picked up from us because (shocker...) they are with us all the time.

I noticed sometimes when Ronin is sensitive about something, it does no good to talk about it, or he gets extremely emotional. This baffled me for the longest time, until finally, I saw myself do it. Now don't misunderstand me to say that our children have no identity of their own--they do! But they are most like you and your spouse, because they belong to you and they are a reflection of you.

This is assaulting on a couple fronts: all of the sudden you just thought of something one of your kids does that you haven't been able to explain until now. Also, if you love Jesus, you know you don't spend as much time with Him as you want to and because of that, your kids will reflect it. While many say your relationship with God is just between the two of you, it's just not true. It effects everyone around you (and it should), especially your kids.

the big ONE (12 months)

2011-10-17T13:51:00.000-06:00

Reflecting on the past year has been so overwhelming, I haven't been able to put words to it until now. Evan and Eli are constant visual reminders of God's grace and miraculous power. They endured so much before even entering the world, and then fought their way right out of the NICU into our home at the end of last October. Just as much as the little guys (and the older ones too) are reminders of God's grace and power, they are reminders to me of how much I need His grace and power.

The comments I receive from people are generally the same, "You've got your hands full!" "Double trouble, huh?", "Are they twins?", "All boys?", and the all-inclusive, "Wow." Because the comments are usually the same, so are my responses, "They are wonderful!", "It's great!", "I wouldn't trade 'em for anything.", and some others. People often look at me and they feel overwhelmed.

However, there are some extra-ordinary comments. The best of the year came from a little girl when we were at the park; she saw the twins, and asked, "Woh...are they connected?" And another from an older lady at a grocery store (when I was there with all four boys), as we approached her, "What a gorgeous family! Really!"

But, there's also the worst, which I didn't hear until just a week ago when I was telling a lady I had twin, one-year-old, boys, she said, "What a nightmare!" In case you were wondering, you should never say this out loud, even if you are thinking it. For us, it is quite the opposite: it is extremely entertaining, and sometimes just like a dream.

For all of you who have been on this journey with us, thank you for your consistent prayers for each person in our family, we have all been in need of His faithful grace, and we have no doubt the prayers of the saints on our behalf have been a means of keeping us sane and even joyful.

the best job

2011-09-19T22:42:00.000-06:00

Some of us choose the calling, to others it was definitely given. I am in the second category, but because our second, third, and (technically) fourth children were planned I also feel I am partially in the first category.

My oldest son wanted to talk to me, just the two of us, no Daddy and no Ronin; this kind of time is pretty hard to come by, but we managed to sneak away to the back porch on a Sunday morning for some conversation. He asked what it was like being a mom and dad (he also asked what it was like being married, because he's really nervous about it---that is probably a post for another day). I responded honestly, "It is the hardest job I've ever had."

"But it's the best one."

It's true isn't it? There are moments that I think really highly of myself, those times when all the children behave really well when we're in public, and I contemplate all the hard work we have done in raising them thus far. Then we get home and they start whining, I yell at one of them, one of the babies will inevitably hurt himself, and on and on.

Reality sinks in...I am not the perfect mother and I do not have the perfect children.

To continue the hard work despite behavioral outcomes is incredibly challenging, a task I cannot bear; I do not have the consistency, the patience, nor the perseverance needed to be all the things our four children demand of me. It is only in the power of Jesus Christ that I find all these things, I discover on a ~~daily~~ hourly basis I need sustenance that I can't provide for myself.

He is enough for the sometimes monotonous tasks of a mother's day.

Motherhood is a calling (it is not more noble than that of being a father or even of being single), and it is hard. It is hard because the by-products of your work are constantly in front of you, because there is a temptation to count yourself worthy often, because to be successful it requires trust in Jesus--for the strength and for the future of your children.

It is the best job because it provides a daily means of my sanctification, because I see and understand more God's love for His children, and because when I slow my mind down long enough, my heart swells so with love it is hardly bearable.

11 months

2011-09-16T12:51:00.000-06:00

Here is Eli. These days he smiles and laughs all the time. His new favorite thing to do is raise both hands in the air and wait for you to say, "Yay!!" He occasionally fights with Evan if there's a really cool toy involved. He is completely mobile, even shuffling along the couch sometimes.

These pictures were taken on OU's first game day of the season. Kevin wouldn't have them dressed any other way to start off the season.

Here is Evan. See that spot just to the right of his mouth that looks dirty, it's a bruise. These are the days of scrapes, bumps, and bruises. Seems one of them gets hurt at least once a day. Thankfully, I have two other boys that prepared me well for this stage, so I can say "uh-oh" instead of crying every time they get hurt!

If you are contemplating what to get your little one for Christmas, forget all the high-tech toys and get a box of tupperware. All of our kids have seriously enjoyed playing with the tupperware cabinet, and it keeps them out of all the other ones.

This post is a little late, which means in just a couple weeks I'll be posting about their birthday!

get on the floor

2011-09-16T12:36:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago, after a full day, making dinner, andcleaning up, I was exhausted. Iwobbled into the living room and laid on the floor. It only took two minutes for both the babies to comecharging at me, climbing on and over me; in two more minutes, the big boys wererolling around too, and in two more, Kevin was there too.

It turned into tickling, laughing, and playing for at leasttwenty minutes. We were having somuch fun; I hardly realized it was time for bed. As all of us caught our breath, I sent the boys off to getready for bed, and then changed the babies into their pajamas. Once everyone was settled in theirbeds, and Kevin and I were sitting comfortably, he looked over at me and said,“That was fun, huh?”

It is pretty easy to get lost in the mundane tasks of ourdays, and forget to laugh and play. I think we would all be pleasantly surprised at what happens when we geton the floor.

10 months

2011-08-02T09:42:00.005-06:00

It is hard to believe that a just over a year ago, I was in Houston for fetal intervention surgery. Today, our little guys are ten months old, and healthy as can be. They are reminders of God's grace and miraculous power everyday.

Ronin put the cowboy hat on Eli, but Eli managed to give us his best John Wayne face all on his own. Eli is still "low crawling," but is pulling up when he feels like it. He prefers to use his brute strength to get places, he is determined to power through anything to get where he wants to go, even if it's your leg. He's got heart, and doesn't give up!
Evan is completely mobile now, he crawls, pulls up on anything with ease, and his favorite thing to do lately is pull everything out of this coffee table and climb inside. He is our little explorer, he ventures into the kitchen, the hallway, the bathroom (if he can get there while it's open), and any place he sets his mind to.
They are moving through baby food pretty quickly and seem interested in solids; we finally had to buy a second booster seat because they sit with us at meal-time occasionally.
They are incredibly smart and are already completing alphabet puzzles! Well, tasting alphabet puzzles is more like it. They love playing with the big boys on the floor!
A couple days ago, Evan was pulling up on everything in the living room and Davis said to me, "Mom, I can't believe how fast they are growing up! It won't be long and they'll be walking."

hold.....hold.....

2011-07-29T13:11:00.003-06:00

For those of you in Oklahoma, you know the best time to play outside is anytime before 10am. It was a Sunday, so the boys were already dressed, the babies were taking an early nap to prepare for the long day, and Kevin wasn't feeling well, so he was resting too.

I stepped outside and it actually felt nice; Davis and Ronin were ushered outside and I joined them in a lawn chair with my coffee cup. I went in to check on the babies and Kevin, after talking with Kevin for five minutes, I told him I needed to go back outside because I had told the big boys I would. The sound of the sliding back door told me I had already waited too long.

I looked up and this is what I saw, two little Braveheart boys ready for battle. Not only were their faces blue, their arms and legs were too. I sent them outside to take off their shirts (which were smeared with blue chalk too). Kevin looked at me, smiling, and said, "It really is pretty funny."

The not-so-funny part: we needed to leave for church in twenty minutes and I wasn't even ready yet. I rotated them through the shower, leaning in and scrubbing their faces, arms, and legs. They were being exactly what God created them to be: boys. Thankfully, God gave me the grace to laugh and not scream when I saw blue-faced-boys standing at my door.

9 months

2011-07-05T11:18:00.004-06:00

Here are the beautiful boys at nine months, pictured above is Evan, who started scooting just a couple days ago! Evan is our cuddler, he loves to snuggle with his family. Davis loves holding this guy (and sometimes carrying him around the house). His new found scooting ability has brought him a lot of happiness. As they continue to grow, it appears they will also be looking just like their Dad!
Evan on the left, Eli on the right, they are all smiles! These days they almost always need something in their hands to be chewing on; though they don't have any teeth yet, they do enjoy eating! They love each other. Both manage to get around the living room floor pretty well by rolling and turning, it's pretty funny to watch them maneuver over and around each other.
Pictured above is Eli, and if you can't tell, he really enjoys food; he thinks puffs are the stuff! He has been sitting up on his own for a couple weeks now and thinks this independence thing is pretty awesome.

We had the opportunity to tell their story recently to some new friends, and found ourselves in awe again of our great God who is still in the business of miracles!

seven

2011-07-05T09:04:00.004-06:00

I am beginning to understand why my parents, grandparents, and others are constantly in awe when looking at our children. Look at this kid, he is seven (he is holding up the sign for 7), and he never ceases to amaze me. From his love for Jesus to his love for chocolate milk, he is a passionate boy.

We have been through a lot, he is the one boy who will always remember the ache of Kevin's absence through two deployments. He fiercely loves his Daddy, and wants to be like him, which is the only reason I ever let him cut his hair almost completely off.

Davis loves his brothers and wants to lead them well, he has even called himself the "leader of the pack" He is learning how to be tough, how to communicate with Ronin, and how to hold and carry his little brothers.

He has an appreciation for the wonder and beauty of nature, he will exclaim to me, "Mom, isn't that sunset beautiful!" My response is always, "Yes, yes it is." I am confounded at how God has given him such a sensitive heart and eye for the things of Him.

For his birthday, we buried some treasure and hid a map; he and his friends searched the backyard and eventually dug up the box of money. We are so thankful for seven years with this wonderful boy and thank Jesus for the treasure of our son.

no more pronouns

2011-06-23T16:02:00.002-06:00

I have the most wonderful mother ever, she comes over regularly to help out. Most of the time she helps me keep my sanity by doing dishes, changing diapers, and providing me with some much needed adult conversation. She came to the rescue on Davis' birthday party day by helping clean the house and cooking almost all the food for his party (Kevin grilled the chicken). Kevin came home early to help pull the whole thing together too. I was looking for him, and was walking through the house saying, "Where did he go?" My mom answered, but she assumed I meant Davis when I meant Kevin, and that's when she had a grand realization:

there are five he's in our house. Which was a huge lesson for me: I will have to stop using pronouns in our house.

8 months

2011-06-08T20:45:00.002-06:00

Because I know you are all concerned with how big they are getting. Here they are at eight months old (Evan on the left, Eli on the right). Also, their shirts say "smiley" and "happy" which aptly describes them these days.

i am four

2011-06-08T14:57:00.005-06:00

Anyone remember what happened on May 24th? Yes, yes, several tornadoes swept across the heartland (again), but it was also Ronin's fourth birthday.

Here he is on the morning of his birthday. Pretty darn excited that he is four. Ronin has been a blessing from the day he was born. He has been laid back from day one, and never in a hurry for anything. He loves nature, playing in sand and dirt, dump-trucks, and he really loves his family.

He planned out his entire birth-day: for breakfast: a blueberry cake and twist donut, for lunch: sammies from Quizno's, for dinner: pancakes, cheesy scrambled eggs, strawberries, apples, grapes, and bananas, for dessert: vanilla cake with vanilla frosting. Ronin declared it would be a vanilla party with the family, and he wanted to go to the park (we didn't make it to the park, but we did go to a friend's house and play outside). To end the day well, he wanted to spend the night with my parents.

No tornado could get him down, as we hunkered down in the bathroom, helmets and all; he asked what we were doing. I explained, and he said, "Oh, cool." We waited out the storm, and my brother and his family came over after to celebrate.

God is so good to us, and in case we doubted, He showed us His mighty power in the tornado, and His immense blessing in the smile of our four-year-old all in one night.

shut the door

2011-06-04T13:08:00.002-06:00

Since learning the meaning of the word "privacy," Davis has also found a need for it.

He always spends a notoriously long amount of time in the bathroom for, umm, let's just say #2, and has never felt a need to close the door, he usually tries to have a conversation with you or sings. But now he shuts the door for "privacy."

We had several conversations about the word to clarify the definition, yet for a few weeks each time Kevin hugged me Davis would say to Ronin, "Umm, Ronin, c'mon, let's go to our room, Mommy and Daddy need some privacy."

"No, we don't," we told him.

I explained to him there are things we need privacy for, but hugs are definitely not one of them.

the most important thing

2011-05-21T09:13:00.003-06:00

Davis and Daddy occasionally go have coffee and chocolate milk at the coffee shop for some quality time. Recently, they talked about what had been going on at school.

Davis explained how each student stood up to say what they wanted to be when they grew up; his answer: to be a missionary and tell people about Jesus. Apparently there was some discussion amongst the kindergarteners about which job would be the coolest, most agreed: policeman. However, Davis felt the need to tell them being a missionary was the best job, why? Because telling people about Jesus is the most important thing you can do in the world.

Pray with us that Jesus would continue to put a passion in his little heart for Himself, and Davis's vision of who God is and the importance of telling people about Him would only get bigger and bigger.

7 months

2011-05-21T09:09:00.004-06:00

This was taken on May 2, the day we got home from our Colorado trip, and also when the babies turned seven months old. The big boys sincerely love the little ones. In fact, I'm telling them constantly they can't be so close to their faces. This is a pretty typical scene at our house, hope you can feel the love.

first plane ride

2011-05-21T08:54:00.003-06:00

We have some dear friends in Colorado, and because of Kevin's deployments to Iraq, they are like family to us. Since I've been pregnant, had surgery, and delivered twins, there has not been a lot of time to make a trip out to see them. Until recently. One of our friends got married and gave us the perfect reason to make the trip.

Here I am in the middle of Denver International Airport. We arrived a little too early (for our return flight), so I spent a significant amount of time strolling the concourses with the babies in hopes they would fall asleep. To no avail, but I think we saw every person in the airport, or a more accurate statement might be: every person in the airport saw us.
Evan did incredibly well, we were so blessed to have a row to ourselves (otherwise we would have had to sit on opposite aisles).
I love this stroller, it was easy to break down for the security checkpoints, a must when each adult is holding a baby. Evan is on the left and Eli is on the right. When we arrived to the OKC airport, Kevin had a startling discovery: Everyone is going to stare. By now, I am pretty accustomed to the staring and comments by strangers, but he was not. And he was right, everyone did stare, and it probably would have been worse if we had all four boys with us.
During baby-trade-offs we thought it would be fun to put one baby in the empty middle seat, they thought it was pretty fun too. All in all, it was a great trip. Eli did just as well as Evan, and considering the entire trip was quite a bit of traveling (whether by plane or car), they were super!

too quiet

2011-04-29T15:07:00.004-06:00

Kevin was gone for work, so my wonderful mother-in-law took our older boys for a few days to help out. The first hour was so nice, so quiet, but then this morning I started feeling the need to scat around the house; bee-bopping around just so there was some noise.

Eli and Evan are now sleeping like big boys in their cribs and are no longer swaddled at night or for naps. This has been quite an adjustment, one that Kevin should be grateful he did not have to endure.
However, it means I get to capture little moments like these. Eli's little bare-feet, his face in his hands, and his new favorite way to sleep: on his tummy.

After they eat at eleven o'clock, they are usually bombarded by Ronin. He is in their face, talking, laughing, giving them toys.
Not this time; it was quiet, Evan went right back to sleep. He threw his hands up once at the sound of the shutter on the camera, but turned his head and kept on with his after-nap snooze. Evan's hair is growing much faster than Eli's for some reason, and I just love it.
It is nice to have some lazy time with the babies, but I think I am ready to have our big boys back in the house making a ruckus.

an ode to children (and the God who gave them)

2011-04-12T15:21:00.009-06:00

Any mother will tell you that everyday is not a holiday, some are so incredibly difficult that at the end of the day, you feel like crumpling into the couch and crying; and sometimes we actually do it. However, the ways in which they have enriched my life are too numerous to count because they are indeed gifts from God.

I know more now what it means to love without condition: none of our babies ever did a tiny thing for us to love them, yet the love that fills the space in my heart for each of our children is overwhelming. I know more deeply now God's sovereignty over all things, even when your baby's life is hanging in the balance. He has shown me He is good and He is in control whether He gives life or takes it away.
I understand more now than ever how the sufficiency of Christ for the work of my salvation had absolutely nothing to do with me in the same way the birth of Davis, Ronin, Evan, and Eli had nothing to do with them. God formed them in my womb through the glory that is found in the intimacy of marriage. None of them just decided they were going to be born one day. It was all an act of God, every part. From conception to delivery not a moment was in their control.
He has shown me through the gift of children glimpses of what the Father sees when He looks at His children when they are hurting, and His desire and complete ability to comfort us when we feel pain.
He has shown me through parenting how His mercies are new every morning; how regardless of the times we fall and fail, He continues to hold His hands out and encourage us to take steps to Him. Because of my inability to answer all the"Why's?" our precious two-year-olds ask, He shows me He is the Answer to all my questions, the Truth is found in Him. When little eyes look to me, I am confident I must look to Him.
Having children is a blessing, it is a means of refining my heart in ways I could not have imagined. The ultimate reality that it is all about God (not about me, or even my kids) is deeper now and fresh everyday. The call to motherhood is a rich and weighty one, and I am challenged, honored, and rewarded consistently.

I celebrate those who have made the choice not to have children so they can see children added to the kingdom of God, I do not judge those who are unsure if the task of motherhood is for them, I empathize with those who long for the warmth of a baby to fill their arms, and I ache for those who have known the presence of a baby in the womb and lost it.

The solace is the same for all of us: Jesus. He satisfies our deepest desires, and we can trust Him with everything: the joy, the frustration, the uncertainty, the longing, and the pain.

resting means trusting

2011-03-31T20:57:00.004-06:00

Several weeks after delivering the twins, Kevin and I wanted to take our older boys for an outing to remind them how special they are to us, even though the new babies dominated most of our time.

We got some frozen yogurt. Both the boys ate up every last bite of their specially mixed treat.

Then, we went to a park close to our house. The boys were pretty sure they heard some construction in the distance, so Dad, Davis, and Ronin took off on an adventure, and I made myself comfortable in a swing.

As I sat, I watched them run, laugh, yell, and enjoy their time together. I hadn't noticed even a hint of wind while we were outside, but I noticed I was gently swaying in the swing.

The presence of God was so evident to me in that moment: when we are at rest in Him, we will easily be moved by Him, but we have to trust He will hold us. The resting in Him is not with anxiety, but with abandon.

never, never, never

2011-03-28T20:39:00.002-06:00

As a disclaimer, let me say I am a fan of PBS Kids. Solid programming for my children who are six and three. However, we watched an episode of "Super Why" on Saturday that I am regretting more and more each day.

There was a prince who had a seriously bad attitude and any time he was prompted or encouraged to try something, he would respond with, "I'll never be able to do it, never, never, never!"

Davis has used the word "never" more in the last three days than he has the last three years. I prefer the saying, "Never say never," over the pouty prince's never, never, never chant. The goal of the story in the cartoon was to prove the prince needed to be positive, but in actuality it encouraged the opposite because of the repetition of the negativity.

It had to happen sooner than later, so tonight we had a nice talk about ways that are appropriate to use the word "never." I asked the boys to give me examples, the negativity continued; Davis gave me this one: "I will never fly." It took some hard thinking, but we finally came up with some positive ways to use "never" and my favorite was this: God never changes.

cutest kids ever

2011-03-10T21:08:00.004-07:00

So, I know I'm biased, but goodness, look at them in their five-month-wonderful-ness. I cannot believe it has been five months since this crazy journey began. I have to take deep breaths to contain the intense gratitude I feel nearly every time I look at them.

Evan is on the left, and Eli is on right

quotables

2011-03-02T13:55:00.003-07:00

One from Davis:

"Mommy, I think I like playing with the babies better than I like my toys."

Two from Ronin:

After singing a song to him at bedtime, "Mommy, I like you. You're the best singer ever!"

Kevin asked Ronin, "Is Mommy strong?"

Ronin, "No."

Kevin, "Is Daddy strong?"

Ronin responded emphatically, "Yeah, like Superman!"

snowed in

2011-02-01T14:17:00.004-07:00

It is quite a change living in Oklahoma after Colorado when weather like today happens. It is around 9 degrees here in Oklahoma City and I know for a fact that in Colorado Springs it is -10. I chuckle to myself that the governor had to declare a state of emergency in order for the roads to be taken care of in advance for the ice and snow that was headed our way yesterday.

I got the call around 7pm that Davis's school was going to be cancelled today, so we have been enjoying a day stuck inside. At 9 the boys were begging to go play in the snow, but the wind would have knocked them down. I knew if I did not let them out at all, they would be sad little boys all day long. So, I decided to let them make a small trek outside to scoop up bowls of snow to bring inside and make snow ice cream.

Ronin doesn't have any snow boots, so we had to put Wal-Mart sacks around his cowboy boots, I think the look is priceless.

Here they are admiring their snow.

cowboys and cannibals

2011-01-14T13:17:00.004-07:00

What do cowboys and cannibals have to do with each other you ask? Nothing really, except it seems that's what my boys are. I've included a picture where Eli is not trying to eat Evan's head, just so you know they do actually love each other.

Here they are, loving each other. Eli is showing off his chubbiness, and Evan his almost steady contentedness.
And then, my cowboys. I have full-length pictures of both of them, boots, buckles, and all, but I couldn't resist posting this one with Ronin's face and Davis's smile.
Gotta love the giant pacifier and Eli eating his brother's head.

I love your love

2011-01-12T13:15:00.003-07:00

Ronin is adjusting to the new babies in stride, he loves them and shows this by nuzzling them, almost like a puppy would. I called him my "middle son" for the first time not too long ago, which was a big eye-opener for me--we have a middle son now. It has been "our youngest and our oldest" for three years now, so this is quite a change.

It has been my hope that Ronin would not feel slighted or un-loved or un-appreciated. There are so many horrible things said about the middle child; as a result I have felt compelled to be intentional about giving him quality time and affection.

Occasionally I will say to him, "Know what?"

He says, "Uh-huh."

"What?"

"You love me."

But today, I asked, "Guess what, Ronin?" And he applauded and with excitement said, almost shouted, "You LOVE me!"

Too often I feel like the middle child to God, and only because of myself, because He is constantly showering me with affection and lavishing me with love. I hope I can continue to learn from my children, to love His love with the kind of excitement that Ronin displays in knowing that I love him.

boys are on the menu

2010-12-01T13:28:00.005-07:00

My wonderful sister-in-law utilized the Care Calendar, an online (free) tool that organizes help for individuals for any number of circumstances. In our case, it has been for meals and it has been so great. Two nights ago, someone brought us taco soup, which was delicious. As he sat in our living room across from Kevin, with Evan in a bouncer, Eli in my arms, Davis showing off his pull-ups (not training pants, for real pull-ups), and Ronin helping our guest take off his coat so he could stay a while, he chuckled and said, "Looks like boys are on the menu!"

Indeed! Our home is full of guys, but my heart is full of love and blessing. Here are three of our five guys.

Davis and Eli

Ronin

sixteen candles

2010-11-22T19:32:00.004-07:00

Growing up, my family attended a yearly conference, because of this we were constantly seeing older people who would tell my brothers and me how they remembered us when we were little babies and how they changed our diapers. I thought it was pretty ridiculous, until now. My niece will be sixteen tomorrow, on the 23rd. I was in seventh grade when she was born, she was the smallest baby I had ever held. Now she's an incredibly talented and beautiful young lady. Her brother felt the need to obnoxiously sing happy birthday as close to her face as possible, he succeeded.

And apparently it takes three people to get sixteen candles lit on a cake. My mom always gives the gift of food on your birthday, you choose the full menu, and she makes it. So, we had lasagna rolls, mashed potatoes, green beans, french bread, and Italian cream cake.
The food was delicious, the company was fabulous, it was a great day to celebrate the life of my precious niece! Happy Birthday.

yes, they're identical

2010-10-29T20:22:00.003-06:00

These days, if the boys make it out of their room, they can share the bouncer seat because they are still so small. We made our first trip to the doctor and Eli (right) weighs 5lbs, and Evan (left) is 4lbs.7oz. (about the same as his discharge weight). The hospital sent us home with monitors for the boys; so their heart rate and respirations are constantly at our attention in the form of blinking green lights. If their heart rate goes above 220 or below 80, it will alarm to notify us. It seems each day the monitor goes off less and less and this is more and more of an encouragement to us.
I spend a lot of time in this chair, they eat every three hours, so imagine the normal routine you do for a newborn, only right when I lay the first one down, I turn around and do the whole routine again, then go to sleep for hopefully two hours and wake up to do it again. It has not been as stressful as I anticipated and I am very thankful. We continue to be in awe of the miracles God has performed in the lives of these babies!

10.22.10

2010-10-23T11:50:00.002-06:00

The day my c-section was scheduled was October 22. So technically, our babies came home a few days early! We brought them home last night (10.22.10) and are thrilled to have them with us finally. I am nursing both the boys and it is going well so far, just not getting much sleep, which is to be expected!

two weeks old

2010-10-17T08:49:00.003-06:00

Yesterday our little ones turned two weeks old. They are still growing, but still have some progress to make. Any baby in the NICU has to consistently do three things before they can leave:

1. Maintain healthy breathing

2. Maintain their own body temperature

3. Feed from a bottle at each feeding without tubing any of the milk (right now, both our boys take bottles, they just don't have enough energy to finish the feeding and so the remainder of the bottle is put in a syringe and pumped through a feeding tube)

Evan now weighs 4lbs.2oz. (which is only one ounce more than his birthweight, but he lost quite a bit in his travels from Children's and back), he is off oxygen, he is now in a crib instead of the incubator, and he is now showing significant signs of interest in feeding and takes almost half of his bottles.

Eli now weighs 4lbs.11oz., he came off his oxygen but they have put him back on because he's had some sleep apnea, he is also now in a crib, and he is taking some bottles. On Tuesday the nurse told me he contracted an infection, MRSA, there's no way of telling how he got it or who he got it from, but now anyone who enters his room must "gown and glove." It also means the boys are in separate rooms. This is a common infection in the NICU, so much so that every baby is checked for it weekly.

Please continue to pray, we have seen and felt the coverage of prayer from across the globe and cannot begin to express how grateful we are.

firsts...

2010-10-10T21:07:00.004-06:00

Eli took a bottle for the first time and burped.

I got to hold Evan for the first time (10.9.10)

Eli was awake and responsive to touch for Davis (and all of us).

Daddy got to hold Eli (pictured here) and Evan for the first time. (10.9.10)

Today was the first time for both the boys to be in clothes...they look super cute!

together...

2010-10-07T20:42:00.004-06:00

Both the boys have a little bit of jaundice, that's why the pictures look blue, these were taken today after Evan and Eli were together again. This is Eli (with my hand on him):

This is Evan (with Davis's hand on him):

Some people have asked if they are identical, yes they are.

10.2.10 (part 2)

2010-10-04T19:59:00.006-06:00

The perfect way to end the day would have been right then, at 5:15 a.m. We had no idea what was in store for the rest of the day.

By 8:30, Kevin's parents had made it back in town and to the hospital to see our precious boys, by 9, my dad was there too. By 2:30, we had the OU/TX game on, Kevin had taken a nap, and I was recovering in my room, while the twins were in the NICU.

Kevin brought our older boys up to the hospital so they could see their new brothers. My mom prepared them for some disappointment by telling them they wouldn't be able to hold the babies. Davis was sad, but he asked, "Mommy gets to hold them though, right?" My mom answered his question by telling him that even I couldn't hold the babies yet. He was really surprised, but felt better that he wasn't the only one.

Both Davis and Ronin laid with me in my bed for a few minutes, and checked out everything that was in my room while Kevin went back to look at the babies with his parents. The phone to the hospital room rang, it was the pediatrician, and he told me he was coming to my room to talk to me. I asked my mom to take the boys out, and tell Kevin to come in.

The doctor turned the volume on the TV completely off. Kevin and I both sat and stared at him, waiting for what had to be serious news.

Dr. Verma explained to us that Evan was experiencing pulmonary hypertension and he anticipated that our little baby would likely need to be placed on an ECMO machine. The only hospital that has one is Children's. He had already called for the helicopter to take Evan there. At the end of the conversation Kevin asked what the survivability rate was, and he said it was 50/50.

The news was incredibly sobering. Kevin had to leave immediately with the doctor and nurse to sign consent forms, so I was alone for what felt like forever. My mom walked in the room, with no words of her own, but held me as we wept together. She sat by my side and told me it would be okay.

"But okay could mean losing him," I said, "I feel like this entire journey with the twins has been about seeing the goodness of God and how powerful He is, what if He wants to use this to show people that we believe He is good and powerful and gracious even if He takes Evan away?"

We all felt the same: God is good and loving even if He takes our son, but we will cry out to Him for His healing power. And we did; we called, texted, and asked the Facebook world to cry out with us, on our behalf, and for our son.

Evan arrived at Children's hospital, and within an hour he was stable; the doctor there questioned the records from Mercy, but we all knew that there was only One Person who had done anything to stabilize our boy. Saturday night and part of Sunday Evan still seemed to be in a dangerous place, he was stable but not showing signs that he was "out of the woods" as Kevin would say.

On Monday night, my mom and I wheeled down to the NICU to see Eli (Kevin had spent most of his time at Children's with Evan) and I asked the nurse when I would finally be able to hold him. After looking at his charts, she said there was no reason I couldn't hold him now.

I cried. I had only put my hand through a hole in his incubator to touch him, and I was only able to do that late Sunday.

I waited while she got him ready, and once she handed him to me it was as if tears were not even possible because of the joy in my heart. My mom and I headed back to my room after twenty minutes and I had missed four calls from Kevin, I called him back and the doctor had said Evan officially made a turn for recovery, and it seemed almost in spite of the things they had done, and thought by the end of the week he should be able to go back to Mercy.

Evan continues to get better and better, and so does Eli. Today (Oct. 7, 2010), they are together again. The doctors say we probably have two to three weeks before they will be able to come home. Our older boys love their little brothers, today they sang to them and talked to them and put their hands on them.

I'm still waiting to hold Evan.

10.2.10 (part 1)

2010-10-04T15:47:00.006-06:00

Apparently, October 2 was the perfect day to have twins.

We had scheduled the c-section for October 22, but God seems to be in the business of changing our plans quite frequently.

At 2:20 am on Saturday morning I woke up (like I always do when I have to roll over) and felt the urge to go the bathroom, I stood up and started the four steps it takes to get there and was already wet before I reached the toilet. Strange that all of the sudden I had no control over my bladder is what I was thinking. I went and laid back down, but this same thing happened again, and this time I knew something wasn't right.

I walked slowly into the living room to get to the computer, and Kevin was laying on the couch wide awake because he hadn't been able to sleep. I looked at him and asked what he was doing, he looked at me and asked the same question. I said, "Umm...I think maybe my water broke, or I'm leaking a lot of fluid."

"We need to go to hospital."

"Well, let me just call the hospital, maybe my water didn't break."

"Okay, go ahead and call."

I looked up the number, called the hospital, and after a short conversation with them I said, "They said I just need to come in." My husband is so patient with my stubbornness.

I called my mom to come be with the boys, and we arrived at the hospital by 3:45. The nurses took me to a room, put heart monitors on the babies, one for contractions, and checked my cervix. They assured me my water did break, and I was dilated to a one. They left to call my doctor; I called my mom to give her an update, and the nurse came back into room and said, "We're going to section you in thirty minutes, your doctor said 15, but I told him we don't even have an IV in yet."

Kevin began the first round of text messages and phone calls to let people know what was happening, while my mom tried to find someone else to come be with the boys so she could quickly come to the hospital.

It's amazing what a nursing staff can do in thirty minutes, because by 4:30 I was on the operating table being swabbed with iodine on my back and belly. Once I laid down the famous blue curtain was drawn up. On my right side about eight nurses stood ready to receive the boys, on the left were four more nurses for the surgery, behind me was my amazing anesthesiologist, holding my hand right beside me was Kevin on my side of the curtain, next to him, my doctor.

Dr. Mirabile told me I would feel tugging, pulling, and jumping. Jumping? Yes, jumping. And I did. Amidst everything I was feeling, I was waiting to hear something. I stared into the blue curtain, and scanned Kevin's eyes as he watched intently what was going on on the other side of the curtain. Finally, I heard it.

A baby's cry.

It was Eli. At 5:05 am, the doctor pulled him out to be a part of this world and just a minute later Evan was letting us know he was there too. For months now, Eli has been called "the little one," no longer, he weighed 4lbs.4oz. and was 17 inches long and Evan was 4lbs.2oz. 16 1/2 inches long. In a few moments they were bundled in blankets and nestled together in an incubator and wheeled out from the OR to the NICU.

Meanwhile, my mom had her own adventure in getting to the hospital. Kevin's parents were out of town, my dad was out of town, my brother's phone was dead, and eventually it was one of my best friends who came to relieve my mom so she could rush to the hospital. She made it to the fifth floor and was looking around at the exact moment the twins were being rolled down the hall to the NICU. We couldn't have planned it better.

shower the people you love

2010-09-22T15:55:00.003-06:00

A couple weeks ago, I was showered with love by many friends and some family. We walked away with so many matching outfits and several things we really needed, like lots and lots of diapers.

my friend Jenny, who came all the way from Tulsa!

friends Courtni and Cynda since Kindergarden who made the whole thing happen

diaper cakes made by one of my "second moms," Janie

Thank you to all who made it, I really appreciate all of you!

@ 30 weeks

2010-09-11T21:33:00.003-06:00

30 weeks seems like a milestone to me, and I guess it is because now I get to see the doctor twice a week instead of just once until the babies come.

They are weighing in at 3lbs.4oz. (Evan/Recipient baby) and 2lbs.12oz. (Eli/Donor baby). The main thing we're watching now is their hearts. The walls of Evan's heart are still thick and the blood flow in Eli's heart still needs improvement. The recovery that they have made so far is amazing! I have seen so many ultrasounds now even I can see a difference when I see their little hearts beat.

the older princes

2010-09-03T13:16:00.003-06:00

Davis started Kindergarden a couple weeks ago, and Ronin and I now have a few hours of quality time every morning. I think all of us are enjoying this short season before the twins arrive.

the twins and me at seven months

2010-08-31T20:34:00.008-06:00

For those of you who are far away, or just haven't seen me in a while:

finger toes

2010-08-31T20:27:00.004-06:00

That's right, finger toes, some call them monkey toes, but either way, I am sure you know what I'm talking about. Toes that function like fingers; they run in my family. Many of my friends made fun of me for my finger toes when I was growing up, but you know who's laughing now?

I am.

My finger toes have made my pregnancy survivable. I'll be honest, if something falls to the ground and it is not important, it will stay there until Kevin or one of the boys pick it up. However, if I need to pick something up, my belly does not like bending over, and my toes come to the rescue.

Last Milestone Til Delivery

2010-08-30T13:32:00.003-06:00

When we sat in the conference room with Dr. Moise at the Baylor College of Medicine, he explained to us that there are three milestones after the surgery for TTTS: Day 1, Day 7, and Day 28.

Last Wednesday was Day 28! All the high risks to the babies and myself are gone! It doesn't mean that I can go running tomorrow, but it does mean we're all breathing a little easier.

I am still facing the general public who seem to think I should have delivered yesterday, and when I inform them I have eight weeks to go, they stand in shock until I cushion the blow with the fact that I am having twins.

All the common complications (i.e. preterm labor) that can arise in pregnancies of multiples are still a factor for us as well, so please continue to pray for us and I will keep the updates coming.

A Brief Timeline of the Twins

2010-08-27T21:55:00.003-06:00

As you all know, we are having twin boys! While many people find out this kind of news early in the pregnancy, we found out as a family when we thought we were finding out the gender, and it began:

June 15-the doc tells us, "Yep, there's two babies in there...and double trouble, two boys."

July 13 -doc says there is a possibility the twins have twin transfusion and sends me to a specialist, Dr. Mirabile.

July 20-meet with Dr. Mirabile, who confirms that the boys do have what is actually called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS)

July 21-receive call from the doctors at Texas Children's Hospital about laser surgery

July 25-fly to Houston, my parents pick me up (Kevin is in SC for WLC with Reserves)

July 26-pre-operational appointment with 2 1/2 hour ultrasound at Baylor College of Medicine and conference with Dr. Moise; Kevin arrives in Houston

July 27-Laser surgery done by the staff of Texas Children's at 6am

July 29-Kevin and I drive home from Houston, TX

Aug 4-One-week post-op appointment with Dr. Mirabile, significant signs of recovery

Aug 11-Two-week post op appointment, Eli's fluid volume is up to 5cm!

Aug 19-Three-week post-op appointment, no signs of reversal in Evan's (recipient) blood flow!

Aug 26-Made the 28 day post-op milestone with healthy boys and a healthy mom

Both the boys still have some recovery and healing to do in their hearts, but overall, they look great and both of them are growing (last week Evan was about 2 1/2 lbs. and Eli was right at 2 lbs.).

Two Weeks

2010-08-12T13:32:00.003-06:00

Two weeks ago the fluid in Evan's sac measured 15cm, yesterday it measured 7.9cm. The normal fluid volume is around 5cm, which is right where Eli's is, two weeks ago there wasn't a pocket deep enough to measure.

The day after the surgery, Evan was breech and Eli was still hanging out pretty close to the wall of the uterus. Yesterday, they were both head down and moving around like crazy.

Our first ultrasound with Dr. Mirabile showed significant distress in Evan's heart, and some issues for Eli too. The distress is gone, but their hearts still need recovery and healing. The doctor said their hearts will take the longest to heal because the issues took so long to develop.

We continue to be amazed at who God is and what He does, and we continue to trust His hand in healing the boys' hearts while He holds ours through this process.

Dreaming in Dopplers

2010-08-05T12:57:00.001-06:00

Ultrasound after ultrasound for these boys that grow in my belly have been happening in the last week. I am amazed at technology, and in awe of the way God gifts people. After so many ultrasounds, laser surgery, and some ToGo Chili’s, I laid down to try and sleep, and all I could see were the images from all the Doppler readings.

Blood flow in the heart, in the umbilical cord, and in the brain are all incredibly important when performing the procedure that was done at Texas Children’s Fetal Center. Each of these can be measured by the Doppler readings in the ultrasounds.

Flashing red, blue, and sometimes hints of yellow and orange dance on the black and white screen illuminating what we know is true: Life is in the blood.

four princes

2010-06-24T15:59:00.003-06:00

I suppose it is time to make it official and let the world know: I am pregnant with twin boys.

Last week our whole family went to the doctor to find out the gender of the baby growing in my belly, to our surprise, the doctor said there are two growing and they are both boys.

Here's to the adventure ahead of us with our four princes!

3rd installment

2010-06-24T14:21:00.003-06:00

A week after the second conversation, Davis approached Kevin on a Sunday afternoon telling Daddy his dilemma that he couldn't seem to shake: he was the worst person in the world. Kevin looked over at me, and then said to him, "Mommy has a book she wants to read to you about that when you get home."

When we got home, I got the boys ready for bed, they had snacks, and then I pulled out the book to read to Davis. The end of the book has a helpful explanation of how to talk to Jesus about your sin and receive the gift of Life. However, when we got to this part, Davis was not really interested so I stopped reading. I assumed that he just wasn't ready; the boys brushed their teeth, went to the bathroom and got in bed.

I scratched Ronin's back and sang him a song, then did the same for Davis. He stopped me and asked if he could pray. Davis began to pray, "Dear Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for me and that You're alive and coming back again so I can go to heaven...[right here I interrupted and asked Davis if he wanted to talk to Jesus about the bad things he's done and thought, he looked at me sincerely, said yes, then continued] I'm sorry for everything I've done that's bad. In Jesus Name, Amen."

According to the Bible, Davis just became a Christian. I looked at him and said, "Do you know what just happened?"

"No."

"You're God's son now. The Bible tells us if we believe that Jesus is God's Son, that he died for our sins, and rose again, that you will receive the gift of eternal life, that's what you just did."

He started bouncing up and down in his bed, so excited he could hardly contain it. We called Grandma and Grandpa, Mawmaw and Papa, and Daddy (because he was working the night shift) and Davis excitedly told them he was now God's son. After the phone calls, I asked Davis, "Did you think you had to do something?" He nodded his head, and I assured him that there's nothing he can do, in fact that is why what Jesus did is so amazing, we really can't do anything to become God's children.

He was stunned, he sat there looking at me in near disbelief that is was all Jesus' work the entire time he had been dealing with the weight of his sin.

I think we both had a hard time going to sleep that night because of just how excited we were.

in bloom

2010-04-25T13:38:00.003-06:00

We moved into our house last August and had no idea what was in our front little garden. Last week we knew it would be something purple because the blooms were almost visible. Two days ago, we woke up to see these beauties.

can't walk or drive there

2010-04-18T16:57:00.003-06:00

Two days following the conversation I had with Davis about him being the worst person in the world, another one came.

Every night I scratch both the boys' backs then sing "the Grace Song" to them. Before even starting to sing, Davis assured me, "Mom, I promise, I'm the worst person in the world." I responded, " Have you been thinking about Jesus?" Because I know that's the only hope for a feeling of such despair.

This time our conversation was even heavier than before. We talked about the cross, and why Jesus died, which Davis knew well. Next I asked if he knew where you went when you died if you are a part of God's family. He knew the answer was Heaven. I asked the oppposite question, and he knew that answer too (he called it the bad place, and I told him it's name).

With tears building in my eyes, I explained to Davis that hell is a place where God will never go. He asked a logical question: "But can't you walk out of there?" No. "Drive?" No. I could tell he felt the weight of this as much as I did, and I asked if maybe now he wanted to talk to Jesus about everything we had been talking about.

Still, his answer was no. He still wasn't ready, he thought maybe someday he could do that.

worst person in the world

2010-04-14T16:44:00.003-06:00

Your mind's racing, maybe Hitler?

But no, about two weeks ago, my son came into the bathroom while I was getting ready and told me he was sure he was the worst person in the world. Perhaps the reaction from most parents would be to assure the child of his/her goodness. My heart just could not go there.

Instead, I told him about Paul. Paul, the missionary in the Bible, who called himself chief of sinners. We talked about God's grace and how amazing it is to cover over all the things, thoughts, and problems we have. I continued by telling him how you get a new heart when you become part of God's family; and that new heart is like Jesus' heart. It means when God looks at you, He no longer sees the worst person in the world, He sees His Son.

I sat Davis down in my lap and held him for a few minutes, and told him we could talk to Jesus about all of that right that minute.

He looked at me, still overwhelmed and a little sad, and said, "I'm not ready yet."

mom/next American Idol

2010-02-12T09:39:00.002-07:00

I am scared to admit that I have a mixed tape that includes a song in which I sing. The tape was actually made for a friend who returned it to me not too long ago. These days I usually drive the van, the van’s CD player is broken, and I am not a big fan of the radio.

Every song on the mixed tape is one of my favorites from that time in my life; naturally, I popped the tape in to have a listen. I made the mistake of telling our boys that I was singing on the one song. Now, every time we get in the car they want to hear that song. I try to indulge them once in a while.

Tonight was one of those nights, we had just finished watching American Idol with Kevin’s parents and we were headed home. I put it on for them, and they cheered, literally clapped and shouted for my song.

No, I won’t be trying out for season 15 (or whatever’s next), I don’t need to be the next American Idol; it’s enough for me that my kids cheer when I sing.

the boot

2009-11-24T20:35:00.004-07:00

Today at 5:30 p.m. Davis pushed Ronin off the ottoman at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

At 7:30 p.m. Ronin and I took a trip to the ER.

By 9:00 p.m., we arrived home with "the boot" (the name given to the splint by Ronin).

For the worried family members, Ronin has a fractured bone in his foot, which his dad helped fix while at work in the ER.

Halloween

2009-11-16T20:25:00.003-07:00

I nearly forgot to post some pictures of the boys in their get-up! Happy Late Halloween!

constant pretending

2009-11-07T13:56:00.001-07:00

from: 3Nov09

This morning was gorgeous: sun shining, enough chill in the air for a sweater, and the most beautiful boys playing in the backyard.

I played with them, pretending to be a customer to D&R’s Bakery where I waited for my number to be called, picked up my cupcakes, and paid the “cashier.”

As kids, our imaginations take us to distant lands and outer space, but sometimes it just takes us into the future…of our own lives. Two of my best friends and I in elementary school would play “street,” riding our bicycles on the sidewalks pretending to go from work to home, occasionally pulled over by the police for speeding.

What is it I now do that is merely pretense for the “age to come?” A little reflection forces me to believe it is not my 8-5, rather it is the moments I laugh so hard I cry, love so deep I ache, and feel immense life that is even in each breath I take.

music makes us linger

2009-10-16T10:25:00.003-06:00

Our previous pastor said this last month when we were in Colorado in reference to letting our minds dwell on what God has said in the Bible.

Last night we went to a Waterdeep concert (ahem...my favorite band of all time), a guy named Justin McRoberts opened for them. His music and voice seemed so familiar to me, so we looked him up on Grooveshark today. After a few songs, I had complete recognition; I bought his CD years ago, but all my CDs have been stolen since then.

The more I listened to his music, the longer I lingered, an entire season of my life came back to me that I seemed to have forgotten. It was one of those times in life where not much is happening, an in-between-time. The music brought with it the feeling of being in my old '89 Nissan pick-up, when prayer was something constant to me, talking to Jesus like He was always with me.

As we get older, different relationships, situations, and seasons seem to bring a hindrance to the way we talk to Jesus. He is always there. May we be mindful enough to hold in tension the wonder of a God who created the universe, yet also desires sweet conversations with us.

the unhealthy working world

2009-10-12T21:19:00.003-06:00

I have decided one of two things happen when you become a part of the working world:

1) You rarely eat, therefore you lose weight or...

2) You never have time to eat, so you eat one or two large meals a day and gain weight.

This has led to another discovery: so much of life is about finding balance and doing everything in moderation. It is a sincere challenge to be a healthy eight to five working woman (who is also a mom and wife), but I'm taking the challenge!

working boy

2009-10-12T21:10:00.003-06:00

We are now regulars at Waffle House on Sunday mornings. Most of the workers know our children by name, and our boys know several of the employees' names. Last Sunday, we let Davis pay; coincidentally, they keep the applications at the register.

Davis went straight from the register to me to tell me he really wants to work at Waffle House. The boys' favorite worker showed Davis how to greet people when they walk in, and it was only affirmation for Davis.

He walked over to inform me, "Mommy, I'm going to work Thursdays and Tuesdays, 'kay."

We had to discuss his schedule conflicts later in the car.

After a week of excitement about working at the Waffle House, he's decided what he really wants to be is a firefighter.

a new definition of growth

2009-09-02T16:29:00.001-06:00

Chalk it up to “Kids say the darnedest things” if you want, but a few weeks ago Davis let us in on something huge.

He said it like this, “Every time Jesus talks to you, you grow!”

He came up with this on his own, so we had to explain to him that this is incredibly true, but you grow on the inside; you grow emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Davis thinks this is one of the coolest things ever, and we do too.

I hope the next time your child makes a joyful noise for the glory of Jesus you will get just as excited as you did when he (or she) finally brushed his teeth by himself.

niceness goes a long way

2009-09-02T16:22:00.001-06:00

Now that I’m in the world of retail again, I constantly see the true nature of people. Most times it is a little disappointing: people getting outright angry about a book not being in stock three weeks before class starts, customers without an ounce of patience for a new cashier, employees who think they should be paid without working.

The disappointment comes from both sides of the retail arena, but what I’ve found is when someone is nice to me, I feel much more at liberty to assist them in any way I can. The reverse is almost always true too: when I am nice, a customer tries to help me as I help them.

Pretty wonderful what a little bit of kindness can do.

this house

2009-09-02T16:20:00.000-06:00

We are moved in, minus a few random boxes and whatever is left in the garage. Kevin did a wonderful job directing traffic for the movers while I was at work.

It is strange how accustomed we become to having our own space. Our time with the in-laws was great, but it is quite glorious to have our own place again. We are little farther south than we had hoped, but I’m sure there is purpose, which we have not yet seen.

At our first dinner in the new place, Davis looked up and said, “Ya’ know, I think this house is perfect.”

“Me too, Davis, me too.”

C.S. Lewis Song

2009-08-19T22:05:00.002-06:00

For those of you out there who love Jack like I do, Brooke Fraser wrote a song with some lyrics which are quotes from the great man himself. Listen, and love it.

rock climbing

2009-08-12T20:50:00.004-06:00

In the past couple months we have started rock climbing. We first discovered how much we liked it at Trail West in early June. There is a rock climbing gym here in Oklahoma that we've been going to ever since.

We decided to take Davis, and he loves it too! However, his favorite is the bouldering room, where he prefers to take his shoes off and climb the wall barefoot (look closely in the bottom picture).

when I grow up...

2009-07-26T21:04:00.002-06:00

We were driving the other day, and Davis excitedly declared to us that he wants to be a doctor astronaut when he grows up. I applauded his choice, asked him some questions, and encouraged him that he can do anything he wants when he grows up.

Next, he looked at Kevin, and asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I love that he doesn't think we're grown up yet, because he asked me the same question. I hope I continue to keep some sense of child-likeness, hopefully not in maturity but in my sense of wonder and dreams.

When I was very little my mom picked me up from Sunday School one morning only to find me very upset. I explained how I wanted to be a star when I grew up, but my teacher told me I couldn't. Angry with the teacher, my mom began to assure me I could be a star; if I worked hard enough I could be anything I wanted to be. When I elaborated on how I love that stars get to shine so brightly in the sky, mom realized her error.

My mom's explanation brought me to terms with reality, and I found new dreams and new aspirations, but the desire to bring glory to God simply by being what I was created to be has never left me. Seems as though Jesus keeps teaching me that there are other ways to shine.

a beautiful bride

2009-07-15T20:22:00.002-06:00

One of my best friends, Jina got married on July 4th. Ironically a day to celebrate independence is when she joined with Mr. Brian Cates in a union of two to become one. She was absolutely beautiful, anyone there would agree.

songs hold memories

2009-07-08T19:31:00.002-06:00

It's good to remember.

David chooses to remember in Psalm 77:11 "I will remember the deeds of the Lord, yes, I will remember Your wonders of old." When he does, he realizes, "Your way O God is holy, what god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your might among the peoples" (vv.13-14).

It's amazing what things trigger memories. Today, while the boys and I were running errands, the song Letters From Home by John Michael Montgomery played. I cried. I fought the tears through the first verse and chorus, but as he kept singing, I kept remembering:

milestones in our boys lives passing in his absence, sleeping alone for months and months, being nurturer and disciplinarian, writing letters and emails as often as I could, explaining our decision to everyone who asked, answering the constant question of how he was doing, keeping his parents updated the moment I was, and truly the list could go on and on.

As the song faded into another, I found myself in a very similar place that David did: in awe and wonder at the grace, power, and provision of Jesus. During every moment of every day, Jesus sustained me. There's no better place to be than in wonder at who God is and what He does, and that's why it's good to remember.

what's a sno-cone?

2009-07-08T19:24:00.004-06:00

"What?!" was my response when Davis asked me this question. He's had one but it was probably two or more years ago. Colorado does not have many sno-cone stands, but Oklahoma has one on every corner. We decided it was time for the boys to have their "first" sno-cone.

working girl

2009-06-30T20:34:00.004-06:00

I have always been in awe of the women who work and come home to be a mother (another full time job). It seemed to me something I could not even fathom. I have felt the challenges of being a full-time mother are just as difficult, only different.

Now I know. I am experiencing the working world. I have only been working for about two and a half weeks, and already my level of wonder at those working mothers has increased. The place I work is great, the people I work with are great, my hours are great, but I am still adjusting and appreciating more and more mothers of all varieties.

it works for me (a Father's Day post)

2009-06-21T20:47:00.002-06:00

"For Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses--as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself. (For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is God.) Now Moses was faithful in all God's house as a servant to testify to the things that were to be spoken later, but Christ is faithful over God's house as a son. And we are his house if indeed we hold fast our confidence and our boasting in our hope." Hebrews 3:3-6

For many, perhaps most, God as Father is not a pleasant parallel, and because of this much of the Bible is difficult to grasp. Through the work of Jesus on the cross, we are made God's children, and God is a Father unlike any other.

Many of us think that Christian service is motivated by obligation, and this might have been true for Moses, but for Jesus it was love, because God is a good and perfect Father.

When I read these verses, they were illuminated with the truth and beauty of God's love and how it motivates us to service and faithfulness. The analogy, the parallel, of God as Father works for me because my dad loves Jesus and has for as long as I can remember.

Thank you, Father of all fathers, God who loves His children deeply, for Your graciousness in giving me a dad who loves You.

down at the riverside

2009-06-15T21:06:00.003-06:00

The rushing river was the music in the background, creation the stage, rocks were our chairs, and while the Crew watched, God was the true audience. Kristi was baptized on Saturday:

We were buried therefore with Him by baptism into death, in order that,

just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father

we too might walk in newness of life." Romans 6:4

photo gift idea

2009-06-04T21:01:00.003-06:00

I made prints from my new camera for the first time ever, and when I went to Walgreens to pick them up, I saw a poster for The Photo Trivet.

For those of you not familiar with a trivet, let me inform you: it is like a hot pad only made out of metal. Maybe it's just me, but I think this might be a bad gift idea. Perhaps people should consider putting someone's face on it they don't like: "Oh you, here, let me put this burning pan on your face!"

Who knows, maybe photo trivets are the next big thing?

glorious Glorieta

2009-06-02T13:20:00.003-06:00

Ronin and his pine cone, he loved it

Davis really didn't want us to play volleyball

Davis and Brantley at the BBQ stand

Ronin and my mom dancing

the clock in front of the registration center at Glorieta

home inside a home

2009-06-02T12:37:00.002-06:00

We are now living with Kevin's parents in Oklahoma. Living with "the in-laws" for most is a scary thing, but our week here in mid-May really assured me that this would be a good thing.

For those of you who are familiar with the Bible, you might remember that Israel (beginning with Abraham) was blessed to be a blessing. This is true for us too, we are blessed so that we will be a blessing to those around us.

So as we make our home inside of a home that already exists, that is alive and is actively being a blessing to people already; I hope our family will be a blessing to Kevin's parents and to those that come in and out of this place. Not because we are amazing, but because of God's grace.

hard to say goodbye

2009-05-27T13:54:00.002-06:00

This week will be our last in Colorado.

Tomorrow the movers will come and pack our things and Friday everything gets loaded onto a truck and heads to Oklahoma.

I have never known a parting to be so bittersweet. The friends we have made here are like family to us and like aunts and uncles to our children (you should have heard the boys' excitement when they saw them on Monday). Saying goodbye to them will be one of the hardest things we have had to do.

It is an absolute blessing knowing the majority of the 365 days of the year will be spent with my husband and seeing him grow in his relationship with his sons (and me) because we are no longer in the Army. Being near family again will also be a huge blessing.

I'm left feeling thankful: the closeness of our Colorado family gives me confidence that distance will not destroy the friendships and for what the future holds for us in Oklahoma, though we're moving back, it seems like a brand new place.

let the picture-taking begin

2009-05-18T11:49:00.003-06:00

this is my favorite one

watching Daddy play Wii

at McDonald's

Italian Cream Cake

I mentioned briefly that I received a Nikon D40 for my birthday. I have teased Kevin that it is my new necklace. Here are a few of the pictures that I have taken that I actually like.

the best birthday ever

2009-05-18T11:36:00.003-06:00

I turned 27 last Friday. Celebrating took place on Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday! First, the Colorado crew went to Mr. Biggs to celebrate with go-carts, laser tag, bumper cars, and some TGI Friday's where Emily showcased her amazing voice at the unexpected karaoke night. We didn't take the boys and instead we were the ones running everywhere playing games and having fun.

Friday night my mom made my birthday dinner wish list: grilled chicken (a.k.a. chicken cooked outside), tortellini alfredo with homemade sauce, asparagus, Italian Cream Cake, and coffee punch. Excellent food + my wonderful family (minus a few members) + a fun game of Taboo + a Nikon D40, the present I've always wanted = wonderful birthday celebration #2.

Sunday night, Kevin and I met up with some long-time Oklahoma friends at a pizza place called Sauced where we waited an hour for our pizza. During that time, we had good conversation and my friend's toenail got ripped off (crazy times). Again, another memorable birthday time.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you to all of you who made the day and the weekend so incredible!!

doctor Daddy

2009-05-12T09:46:00.004-06:00

One of the boys' favorite activity lately is taking a bucket, putting it at the end of the couch, and doing a roll-over onto the couch.

Ronin has realized that with the help of the bucket he can actually stand up on the arm rest. This is, as you can imagine, a little dangerous. He continued to experiment with ways he could mount the couch.

One of his experiments led to a fall from the arm rest to the floor. He must have landed on his hand funny because his middle finger swelled up and he cried with tears (which is unusual for him). After a few minutes of playing he would cry again from the pain. Eventually, Kevin's medical training proved to be very beneficial. He taped up Ronin's fingers and Ronin felt much better. Thank you, Daddy.

a Mother's Day post

2009-05-08T22:28:00.003-06:00

I have now been a mother for almost five years. In those five years I have learned a lot simply by practice. However, I probably learned most how to be a mother from my own, during the eighteen years I was home. Here are a few:

1. It's better to be a parent than a friend.

2. Rules create responsibility and responsibility produces maturity.

3. Each child is different and necessitates different discipline.

4. It is important that a mother love father more than her children.

5. And that she love Jesus more than him.

6. Let your children take risks, but be close by.

7. One of the goals of parenting is to inspire independence.

8. Truly, there is no greater joy than to see your children walk in Truth.

9. Teach your children the Bible more than you teach them numbers or the alphabet.

10. It is good to laugh and not take yourself too seriously.

11. Always respect and honor your husband, it has an effect on children-lifelong.

12. Love your children and value them for their uniqueness.

13. Share in your children's excitement, and sympathize in their sadness.

14. Listen. And they will return the favor.

15. It is an absolute joy to be a mother.

I could probably go on and on. Thank you, Momma, for teaching me how to be a mother without even knowing. You have made me a better mom.

disappointing diapers

2009-05-08T11:53:00.003-06:00

I am a fan of Target diapers. They come in a pack of 80 for just $13.99. They work better than Pampers (in my opinion) and are a much better deal.

That is until yesterday. I went to Target for the usual pick-up of the jumbo box only to find they were no longer there. Instead I found this box:

I'm going to assume the "up & up" on the box is indicating the price, because there are now only 70 diapers in the box, but the price is still at $13.99. If that wasn't enough, the design of the diaper is now a polka dot decoration that is the same front and back. The old design was another perk of Target diapers (see Abraham's post) because you could easily tell the difference between front and back. You may think this isn't a big deal, but on more than one occasion I picked up my boys with their diaper on backwards (courtesy of Grandpa).

weeds are wonderful

2009-05-07T13:44:00.003-06:00

Davis was playing outside today and he rushed in with a dandelion in his hand. He quickly assured me that he was not done playing, but wanted to give me this flower for Mother's Day. I received a kiss and a hug, then he was out the door.

creativity from the cradle

2009-05-06T08:26:00.002-06:00

From very early on Davis has demonstrated his creativity. This morning was no different, he stood at his easel, red dry erase marker in hand, looking at what he had created so far.

"Mommy, do you like it?" I told him I did, and I was being sincere.

We were made to be creative, but too many of us abandon it when we start "real life" or we abandon it because we think we have no talent. It is good for the soul to make, to paint, to create, to exercise our imaginations.

Start small, go color with your kids, niece, nephew, neighbor, or friend, but keep exercising your creativity (in different ways) and maybe you'll find yourself at an easel, standing back to see what you've made.

mothers are multi-taskers

2009-05-05T08:39:00.003-06:00

Someone told me the other day that I'm not quite as good of a multi-tasker as I once was. This came as quite a surprise to me, and for a moment I believed them. Until I gave it some more thought.

In reality I am doing so many things during every moment of every day that I cannot add some of the things I once could. All day every day, I am listening to two boys being attentive to each word: to possibly correct, to laugh, to encourage, to teach. I am watching two boys: to make sure they don't hurt themselves, hurt each other, or break anything. I am cleaning: their toys, their messes, their scrapes and cuts, our plates, our clothes.

I am doing my best to love my husband in a way that my children can see it (even when he is not there) and to love my children in such a way that they see the love of Jesus. There's no weekend to being a mother; the job just keeps right on going.

So Mothers, be encouraged, you are multi-taskers and you're probably pretty darn good at it.

shout out to the Crew

2009-05-04T15:05:00.004-06:00

Last night our Bible study group met. We are more than a Bible study group though, we are more like family. Our days here in Colorado are getting shorter and shorter, so time with them is precious. Unintentionally, they each encouraged and affirmed us more than we could have ever asked. Emily, Gary, Hailey, Joanna, Kristi, Levi, and Tony, we love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know.

like father, like son

2009-04-28T20:51:00.004-06:00

Kevin was listening to a sermon online, amidst everything else that was going on in the living room, when the speaker said something that really got his attention. He rushed to grab his Bible and opened it up to the account of Noah in Genesis.

Davis was only moments behind him, picking up his Bible and sitting on the couch right next to Daddy with as much anticipation as Kevin had. Davis sat there just as enthralled, as if he were soaking in the teaching too right along with his Daddy.

an end (of the Army) is coming

2009-04-28T20:12:00.003-06:00

Some days we are thrilled to be in the process of separating from the Army, but days like today make me think they do everything they can to keep you in. While today was primarily frustrating, we had two huge trunks full of blessings.

Kevin picked up two trunks (and I do mean trunks, they are about 5x2x3 ft.) today full of the things people had sent him during his fifteen months in Iraq. Cards from people that are close to us who had encouraged him, pictures from his parents and from me, and some unused gift cards because the internet connection was so sparse in his last months.

If it wasn't enough for the trunks to be full of great memories, books, and pictures, the boys loved playing on them.

meeting Dave Cullen

2009-04-22T09:08:00.003-06:00

Flushed cheeks gave away my nervousness. You might say he's just a writer, but a published, best-selling author is not just a writer. The written word seems to be decreasing in value, and the internet is taking the place of all publications.

Cullen is a success. He wrote Columbine, and the success is not that he managed to get it published, but that the book is connecting with people, engaging people in a traumatic event years later, and answering questions so many have wondered.

I had the wonderful opportunity of sitting face to face with him, while he signed copies of his book, and listen intently as he answered my questions about the writing process. I left encouraged, educated, and inspired to press on in writing my book.

Thank you, Dave.

handsome boys

2009-04-20T10:23:00.003-06:00

Since it was snowing on Easter, the boys didn't get to wear their new Easter clothes until yesterday. Here they are looking incredibly handsome.

more cookies, please

2009-04-18T20:45:00.002-06:00

Tonight after the boys had finished their dinner, I gave them some cookies. Davis finished first, so he was motivation for Ronin to eat quickly.

I gave Ronin his cookies, but had to hide some of them because he was eating them so fast. He ate them with such delight and speed, he promptly asked for more when they were gone, "Mommy, more cookies?"

I looked at him and said, "The cookies are all gone." Kevin was sitting at least twenty feet away when Ronin asked (with no regard for my response to him), "Daddy, more cookies?"

our mid-April snow day

2009-04-17T15:36:00.003-06:00

Yes, it's the middle of April and yes, winter is technically over. But in Colorado, I'm not sure winter is ever officially over. Today is proof:

Three hours later I took a picture of our snowman, and the snow was already melting.

napping in strange places

2009-04-17T10:04:00.003-06:00

Did you ever want to do something silly as a kid, but it seemed amazing to you at the time? When I was in fourth grade, I had this notion that it would be so cool to sleep in my closet. I convinced my mom to let me make my bed in there for one night. And it was everything I had dreamed.

A couple days ago, Davis needed to take a nap (if you remember, he's a non-napper now), and he asked if he could take a nap behind the chair, a cozy little place where he and Ronin play often. At first, I thought it was pretty ridiculous, but then I remembered my own silly ideas and said yes.

ACAP-ing

2009-04-16T13:15:00.003-06:00

For those of you who haven't heard, here's a news flash: we are getting out of the Army. I can say with sincerity it has been an adventure, I am different now than I was before, and the Army has taught us valuable lessons.

That said, I am looking forward to non-Army life. It officially began today with Kevin's appointment with the ACAP (Army Career and Alumni Program, I know 90% of you were wondering).

It should be pretty crazy around our house for the next month, so we would love your thoughts and prayers as we make this transition.

we eat hot dogs too

2009-04-13T21:31:00.002-06:00

A dear friend called me today during her drive-time because her other time is pretty well occupied. She asked what I was doing, I told her I was fixing dinner, she asked what, I told her: teriyaki chicken, zucchini, red peppers, and onions.

To which she responded, "We're having hot dogs, you just put me to shame."

Sometimes, it's a hot dog kind of day.

Ronin's squats

2009-04-13T09:17:00.004-06:00

Since potty training time is coming soon, I thought I would see if Ronin could take off his own pants when we were changing into pj's. The result ended in him doing some pretty decent squats. We might have been a little too encouraging; now, you can just ask him to do squats and he starts right away. Sorry you have to tilt your head to watch it.

food just tastes better

2009-04-09T22:21:00.003-06:00

When someone else makes it. Why is that? Think about for a minute, even if you make yourself the same thing that someone else makes for you, it just tastes better when someone else does it.

You can take it a step further: it tastes even better when it's free. Possibly the best combination is free food that someone made for you. This is always true when I visit my parents' house: when my mom makes me breakfast, lunch, or dinner, it tastes so good.

On Monday morning Kevin made me breakfast, and it was de-lic-ous.

yessir!

2009-04-08T10:56:00.004-06:00

In the past week, if you ask Ronin to do something he responds with an excited, "Yessir!" Sometimes it comes out a bit more serious than that, but always, the slurred together, yes and sir, as if they were one word. It makes us smile every time.

the little cowboy

2009-04-02T10:23:00.003-06:00

Grandma and Grandpa blessed us last weekend by taking care of the boys while we went to Lubbock and visited some friends. We met up with them in Amarillo at the Big Texan. They gave cowboy hats to the boys, and Davis was thrilled! He's giving his best serious cowboy face here, pretty convincing if you ask me.

in the garden...er, mom and dad's room

2009-04-02T10:10:00.002-06:00

Ronin is officially a big boy, the crib has been taken down. He has been successfully sleeping in the bottom bunk for three nights now. However, last night, was a little challenging.

Davis was playing watchdog and came down to tell us that Ronin was no longer under his covers. The problem is obvious: to know this, he had to be out of bed himself. Moments later, I went upstairs to check on the boys. As I reached the landing upstairs, I saw Davis run into our room and hide.

Thousands of years later and essentially nothing has changed. The moment Adam and Eve knew they had done wrong, they hid themselves. Our son did the same thing. He even hid in our room! How silly, and how silly were Adam and Eve to hide in "God's room" as if He would not find them.

When we hide the discipline or the sacrifice is going to be worse. Because the truth is, you can't hide.

Ronin's new found love of reading

2009-03-13T12:40:00.003-06:00

Ronin has in the past three weeks developed a love of reading books that was non-existent before. He would barely sit still for one book, definitely not three or four.

He must be growing up. That and he loves spending time with his Daddy. He could sit with Kevin all day and let Daddy read to him. I watch in awe because even when I read to him, he gets tired, goes away, and plays.

He has found the key to his Daddy's heart though. Just when Kevin is exhausted with the book reading, and puts Ronin down, Ronin goes and finds the "Jesus Loves the Little Children" book. He brings it to Kevin, holds it up in front of his face and says, "Read Jesus."

Kevin can't resist.

because

2009-03-12T08:44:00.002-06:00

"because" is always

an unfinished

answer

because you have to

fill in the blank

yourself

"because" in love

is always the wanted

answer

because it implies

everything and anything

at the same time

"because" in childhood

is required to be

sufficient

because your parents

won't give you the

full answer

"because" in a fight

stirs confusion or

anger

because the emptiness

after brings no

resolution

"because" is one

pretty amazing

word

because it can

accomplish so

much

why would you write

all this about

"because"

the answer you must

know is, of course:

because.

peeing like i'm pregnant

2009-03-10T15:51:00.002-06:00

But I am most definitely not pregnant.

Davis got sick a couple weeks ago, then Ronin, then me. My head felt like it was the size of a hot air ballon and the pressure was so immense that I finally went and saw the doctor.

She gave me amoxicillin for the apparent sinus infection that I have and also gave me benzonate pearls for the nasty cough that's been keeping Kevin awake for a week now. The only requirement for the pearls is that I have to drink lots of water.

So much that I feel like I am constantly going to the bathroom. I haven't frequented the bathroom like this since I was pregnant with Ronin.

Maybe I should be drinking more water.

another round (back patio pics)

2009-03-05T09:04:00.002-07:00

Upon Alissa's recommendation I thought I would post a few more pictures. Enjoy.