Hurt=Anger

My wonderful husband, at one time, was like a big brother to me.  I only dreamed I would marry someone like him one day (but I got him, bless my soul!).  We were nerds, and would actually spend our free time with others just praying; praying for revival, praying for God to move in ways we had never seen in our measly sixteen to twenty years of life. 

And move, He did.  So later we would talk about how we wanted to be soaked up in affection for Jesus, about sin that was keeping us from doing just that, and all sorts of other things.  Kevin has always been able to articulate things I have not.  I often found myself (even in our early marriage) saying, "Ahhh, yes!" Because he had given words to things my heart longed to say. 

A few nights ago we were sitting in bed, talking; talking about these last three years (which have been incredibly challenging). And I spoke to him of the hurt my heart has endured honestly, for the first time.  I explained my anger was a result of this hurt.  Anger was the only emotion I felt I could express because I could not express need or hurt, so anger came out.

Right then, Kevin had an "Ahhh, yes!" moment.  I had given words to things his heart didn't even know how to say.  I cannot even begin to pretend I know how much pain Kevin saw and endured while in Iraq, but I can tell you there was not a single time he expressed it.  So, what we experienced as a family was anger instead of the hurt that was trapped inside of him for so many years.  

We are embarking on a journey of healing, and it's beautiful.  Wet with tears, and beautiful. 

an end (of the Army) is coming

Some days we are thrilled to be in the process of separating from the Army, but days like today make me think they do everything they can to keep you in.  While today was primarily frustrating, we had two huge trunks full of blessings.

Kevin picked up two trunks (and I do mean trunks, they are about 5x2x3 ft.) today full of the things people had sent him during his fifteen months in Iraq.  Cards from people that are close to us who had encouraged him, pictures from his parents and from me, and some unused gift cards because the internet connection was so sparse in his last months.  

If it wasn't enough for the trunks to be full of great memories, books, and pictures, the boys loved playing on them.  

new job and gmail

Kevin has been assigned a new job in the past couple weeks; it's a little boring, but he's learning to be content with boring. The incredibly positive aspect to this new job is that we have been able to talk more.

In fact, in the last week and a half he has been able to see the boys twice via Gmail's video chat, and I've talked with him on two other occasions. One time Kevin didn't have his headphones, so everyone in the room heard the incessant yells from Davis and Ronin exclaiming, "Hiiiiii! Daddy! Daddy! Hi! Daddy!" I think everyone was laughing, but most importantly, Kevin was smiling from ear to ear.

an anonymous quote

I tried to find who said this, but wasn't able to come up with anything. I'm not the most patriotic girl on the block, even though my husband is in the Army, but I found this quote to be pretty profound:

"Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you.....Jesus Christ and the American Soldier. One died for your soul; the other for your freedom."

for the record

November is almost over and that means our countdown to end of tour is looking a little brighter. Tuesday marks a year that Kevin has been gone, which just seems crazy. An entire year. 82 days, give or take (it really is a rough estimate), until our family is together again! Since when does 82 days seem like a small number, you might ask? When you've been counting down from 402, that's when.

pushin' out turkeys

Last night there was a townhall meeting for 3 BCT (Brigade Combat Team) done Video Teleconference style. This means that the leadership in Iraq from our BCT was on video and all the spouses in the room were on video for them on the other side of the globe.

So the colonel briefed everyone on several issues at hand: the return dates of the Soldiers, reintegration training, block leave, etc. then opened it up for questions. Someone was really concerned that our Soldiers weren't going to get turkeys on Thanksgiving. He assured them that they have guaranteed every Soldier will get some real turkey on Thanksgiving. Still in concern, someone asked specifially about those on the smaller posts. He said the Dining Facilities of the larger bases (FOBs) will cook the turkey and push them out to the smaller posts.

Get ready Soldiers, turkeys will be pushed out soon!

slanted media coverage on the IA Soldier

If you watch TV or keep up with the news, you've heard about the recent shooting of the two American Soldiers by the Iraqi Army soldier. This incident actually took place in the city where Kevin is patrolling.

Some media sources are saying that there was a fight, or altercation with the IA soldier and one of our own prior to the incident, while this gives reason to believe in a tension between our Soldiers and the Iraqis, and supports the wave of negativity running through the news about the war in Iraq, it's just not true.

It was an isolated incident with a disgruntled IA soldier. Our Soldiers were on a dismounted (not in vehicles) patrol when the Iraqi approached and opened fire. Some people just don't like their jobs. How many times have we referenced the phrase, "disgruntled postal worker"? Too many. Yesterday at Target, Davis and I both were very friendly to our cashier yet she didn't crack a smile, she didn't even make eye contact.

The difference is, soldiers have weapons. Instead of pounding his fist, he pulled the trigger. Was he held responsible for his actions? Yes. Will our Soldiers be alert for other situations that may arise like this one? Yes. Is this something we should expect to happen on a regular basis? No.

sobering statistics

Due to some recent conversations, I've been searching for some statistics. Specifically for the total deaths of military personnel and civilians in the World Wars and for Operation Iraqi Freedom. The civilian count for World War II is staggering because of the number of lives lost in concentration camps. I found myself disheartened when it was clear a number was merely rounded up or down. For all the websites that I looked at for the World War I and II statistics, none had names listed.

Then, I found the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count, which gives extensive lists and graphs for the casulaties and fatalities of the Iraq War. I was trying to find something that was accurate and comprehensive, and it was there, complete with names, dates, causes of death, and the places they died. Names have faces and faces have families. As I scrolled slowly down the list I wondered what they tell us in the heat of this political mess. But they can't speak, instead, thousands of others will take the liberty they paid for with their lives to talk about the war, to ridicule it, to blame our leaders for it, to say it's unnecessary, or we shouldn't even be there, and on and on. Making a mockery of their service and at the same time making it harder and harder for those still on the ground, still risking their lives, still trying to protect the lives of innocent Iraqi citizens. But too many of us can't see beyond the small scope of our own individual lives and consequently we don't foresee the reprucussions of the things we say or do.

too many days to count

This calendar has been on our wall for 9 months now. We have faithfully marked off the days, and now, there are so few until Kevin finally comes home (for leave, 18 days, then he goes back). We have actually been apart now for 10 months because he was gone all of December (and that's not included on the calendar), which means we are just 2 months shy of a year.

Many people say to us, "I don't know how you do it." My response is usually, "I don't either." But if I'm really honest, it's the grace of God. Because of who He is, we can have peace despite the many challenges that come with deployments. Right now, looking back, it seems incredibly overwhelming, yet we're here--and we're all still mentally stable! In fact, our marriage has grown, our dependency on Christ to meet our needs has been strengthened, and my trust in Jesus to take care of Kevin, me, and our boys is deeper than it has ever been.

just to see his face

With Kevin's return being so soon, the whole house is excited! I have been doing small and big things to prepare for him being home, we have made countdown days to tear off each day, and there is a weight that seems to have lifted just in knowing he's coming soon. I was up later than usual last night because I was visiting with a friend. I have a routine of checking my email before I go to bed no matter how late it is, so even though it was around midnight, I was checking my email, and Kevin was online! The computer he was on had a webcam and so for the first time in six months I saw his face.

In all the joy, I have been convicted: is this not the picture of how I should be waiting expectantly for the return of Jesus. The promise of His coming should enable me to walk through life with a joy immeasurable. The thought of seeing His face should excite me to no end. And I should be living in such a way that I am always preparing for That Day. For too many of us the day-to-day grind of life fills us with apathy, we forget our purpose, and live without a joy that is available and abundant. I also know that there are many of you who have never been away from your spouse for ten months and can't imagine what a reunion after that amount of time must be like. I encourage you...imagine. He is coming, and it will be a more beautiful reunion than any other!

can't wait!!

We finally got a somewhat definite date to when Kevin comes home for leave. Obviously I can't post that date on this ever so public forum, but it should be sufficient to say it's less than two weeks!! Thanks to those of you who have endured so much of this time with us, it is almost time to celebrate!

9 months

Today we are officially nine months into this deployment. It was nine months ago today that Kevin left for Iraq. It's also now 185 days 'til the end of tour, just for the record. You can be sure we are counting down the days in our home!

only in the home of a Soldier

This morning Davis asked me to give him directions to where he was supposed to go in Iraq. He puts on a "soldier uniform" and pretends to be one of Daddy's soldiers. Ronin does too (says Davis). He gets in the airplane and flies to Iraq with his poom-poom (gun). Strangely, we could not pretend to go and find Daddy, seems that he knows it's not possible, not even in imaginary land. I haven't heard of many others whose sons pretend to go off to war, but we imitate what we love. Davis loves his Daddy and time has only increased his affection for him. Somehow (by the grace of God) time has not stirred up resentment in him but only an ache to see his Daddy come home.

some new news

It's been quite a while since I've been able to post anything about Kevin, but I just received a bulletin from their company that I thought I would share:

HHC “Headhunter" TEAM CRO
(Civil Reconstruction Operations)
Headquarters now has another title, TEAM CRO. Their new purpose is to escort and secure the Civil Affairs team and other non-lethal elements as they go out into the city of Mosul and the surrounding areas to help the Iraqi people by securing improvement projects to make the city/ village a better place. This mission allows the Civil Affairs team maximum capability and flexibility to better perform and help the people of Iraq, whether it be by getting a school or market built, repairing and aiding in hospital needs, getting a road repaved, putting in a new drinking water supply source, or even setting up a farmer’s Co-Op.

Pretty good news I thought, and it's better than being in mortar fights.

a powerful moment

There was a Women's Memorial at Arlington Cemetery and the current presentation is a photographic chronicling of the American Soldier from the Civil War to Iraq war (not women...just The American Soldier).

I cried several times. The similarities are incredible....war is always the same and never the same. Husbands always have to leave their wives, fathers always have to leave their children, sons always have to leave parents. There is always injustice to be fought. The kind of injustice is always different, but it's always against humanity. Maybe of different color maybe of different culture, but always against people. It's always people. I looked at every photograph, every caption, and I was captivated by each one. Certain ones made more of an impression than others: the one of a soldier smelling the first letter he had received from his wife, the one of a woman exclaiming to soldiers that "all Belfront is liberated" during WWII, the one of a soldier cradling another after he's found his battle buddy has died, the one of a wounded medic still caring for another soldier, and this list could go on. Not until the Gulf War photos did color appear, and somehow, it made it more real, touching deeper, the color bringing a life and reality to the event and a connection to where we are now. When I turned the corner to the photos of the Iraq war each step through the hall brought a tear to my eye, dates and places were familiar to me, too familiar.

a good read

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything about Kevin or Mosul. Here's the link to an article about a couple guys in Kevin's unit that were injured not too long ago.

Scars, medals bear witness

The medic, Pittman, that is mentioned works with Kevin.

good for morale? i doubt it

I subscribe to a military newsletter that I rarely read, but sometimes the headlines catch my attention and I'll check out the full article. This happened a couple days ago. The headline read, "Porn Ban Might be Bad for Morale," I seriously could not believe the words I read. My curiosity was definitely piqued, and I had to read the whole article (click on the link to read). Apparently they are re-evaluating what content is deemed sexually explicit, therefore more magazines are being considered inappropiate. It was depressing to read the quotes from soldiers, to realize that pornography is the norm not the exception when at war. While using porn may offer a temporary relief for some, it also has a very likely possibility of bringing difficulty to the marriage relationship upon their return home. So, is the porn ban bad for morale? I'll let you be the judge.

for the record

We have completed five months of this tour and have ten to go. 302 days left, but who's counting?

three-year old politics

This morning over breakfast, Davis explained to me the situation in Iraq (after informing me he had to go to Iraq later today--which is upstairs, for pretend of course), these are his words:

They should know better that the battle is bad. But there's an angel coming to Iraq. But we have to fight against the battle, and then the bad guys, they stop laughing when we win the battle. But there will be one more Bad guy to battle after all the other bad guys are gone.

He said a little more, but I couldn't write fast enough to get it all down. Pretty provoking thoughts for a three-year-old. Or maybe that's just me.

my new found love for the webcam

It's pretty amazing how fast we can get used to having technology. When I really put things in perspective I am incredibly thankful for the communication that I have with Kevin while he is in Iraq, but I'm spoiled now. He finally got internet in his room, so we had our first successful video call via MSN Messenger yesterday (granted, the service goes in and out). On Tuesday I had about three text messages asking me to log on to the computer because he was online, but that was a failed attempt. Then around 2am Wednesday I awoke to another text message...try number two: another failure. Finally yesterday around 3pm--it worked!! I woke Davis up from his nap so he could see Daddy. Then today Kevin got to see both boys, he even got to see Ronin crawling! And Davis in his pirate costume. Ronin has started pointing and when he saw Kevin, he pointed and said, "Da-da"

I think Kevin and I felt the same: we can make it until October (mid-tour leave) with the webcam. It makes an incredible difference. It was the first time I'd seen his face in four months. Beautiful!