It's Not Easy Being Green

A friend on Facebook said to me a few weeks ago, "You make being a mom seem so easy. What is your secret?"  I replied to her, but the question just keeps eating at me.

First of all, because there are no real secrets.  Sure, there are things I do and don't do differently, but I don't have an MLM going with an inner circle that receives my strategies and tips in a weekly email. Secondly, I know a lot of moms, and it seems very typical of these mothers to question themselves, or second guess their methods, even if they aren't posting it on Facebook.

I typically just tell my story, because I'm pretty overwhelmed and fascinated at the beautiful threads the God of the Universe is weaving. He has graciously written me into His magnificent story, and I do not want to forget that, ever, so, I tell my stories; but like I said, this question just keeps itching a certain spot on my heart.

So I started thinking practically about how I mother.  Much of how I mother comes from how I was mothered (bless my mother's soul, I owe so much to her), but there is also so much (heavy sigh, so much) that is different in the world while I am embarking on this same journey.  I wondered if I could possibly offer any valuable insight or information to other mothers.  Because, let's be honest there's a bajillion mom-blogs out there and you probably don't need another one of those to read.

As I would say to my friend Jina, high five for new experiences; if none of this helps you, find a different mom blog, but if it does, praise Jesus.

look ahead of you, not beside you
Facebook can be a good thing, but it is a thorn in every mother's side.  Why?  Because you are constantly comparing yourself to every other mother in your news feed.  We have to get our faces away from the screens in our lives and onto the children at our feet. God gave you the child(ren) you have, He has entrusted them to you, so trust Him.  He gives better feedback, and no amount of likes will ever compare to how much He loves you.

laugh
I'll be really honest, this one is hard.  Laughing is critical, though.  The reality is you have very little control of what happens during your day, what you do have control of, is how you respond.  Will you let the little inconsistencies drive you crazy, or let the constant mess get under your skin, or let the disobedience determine your self-worth?  Your children are (wait for it.....) children.  And they are supposed to be exactly that.  If the day becomes too much of an endurance race, I find dance parties are really helpful.

be loved
If you feel that it is difficult to love your kid(s), I'd be willing to bet, you feel unloved.  The God of the Universe really did send His only Son to the earth in the form of a baby boy to live a perfect life and die the worst death, then live again so that you and I can have life....because He loves us. He gets so much glory when you will be filled up with His love so you can love your little ones.

and lean....
You are not alone, and you cannot do this mothering thing alone.  You need Jesus (I need Jesus).  The crazy amazing thing is that He will be enough for you every. single. time.  Failure is inevitable, but it does not define you.  When you do something wrong, say I'm sorry.  Jesus never said life would be easy, what He said was, "I will be with you."

Often, when I read the Old Testament, I am awestruck at how quickly God's people forget what He did for them.  But, I find this true of myself far too often, which is why in Psalm 77, David even tells himself, "I will remember the deeds of the Lord...and therefore I will have hope."  So when you wake up to the sound of a baby crying or a toddler whining or a child begging for breakfast, remember what the Lord has done.  

a Mother's Day poem

I was showered with love and wonderful homemade cards for Mother's Day, a few have requested I post the poem my husband wrote, so I felt this was the best place to do it.  His words were and will continue to be such a blessing to me; hopefully they give you a glimpse into our world from his point of view.

From the time you were young you heeded the call,
"Come follow me and give me your all."
Obediently you came ready to Go,
Excited to be spent, ready to grow.

India on your mind you studied and read
Mild confusion when you heard, "Stay" instead
Just as before you were obedient to His voice
Submission to your Father your only choice.

Then came your first and second eclipsed by the Army
Your husband came back wounded, whom you loved abundantly.
The twins what a roller coaster, them you almost lost
you were ready to give them to Him, no matter what the cost.

And then your girl who has been a blessing
He knew what to give you even if you weren't asking
And now I salute you and praise the Almighty
For heeding the call to be a missionary to your family.

Selfies might not be so bad

I am not of this current generation obsessed with taking pictures of themselves.  In fact, most of the time, when I look at a young person's profile on Instagram and see most of the pictures are of themselves, I decide almost immediately: do not follow.  So this selfie-insanity that goes on, well, I'll be really blunt, irritates me. 

It seems to just bring to the surface that our society, our culture, is becoming more and more narcissistic.  An "all about me" attitude saturates our society.  It's so acceptable and normal that even as Christians we start to normalize this infatuation with ourselves and deem it appropriate at times.

There's a video that has gone viral on Facebook about the worth of women done by an attractive guy on an empty stage.  He preaches a false gospel to all women of their innate worth, strength, power, beauty, etc.  The problem is, he pulls directly from the Bible to help us all believe the lie that we have value in and of ourselves.  

I do have worth.  I do have value.  I am even beautiful.  But only, only, only because the Creator of the Universe, the Maker of all things, has made me.  My worth, value, and beauty would be the same if I had a deformed face--He still made me.  And what's more than all this, is that when I became a child of God, (when I became a Christian), He attributed more value to me than I could ever achieve on my own, because He named me His own.  The blood of Jesus covered up every sin and inch of darkness in my heart and made me beautiful to look at, where once God's eyes only looked upon me and saw wrath and death. 

So, yes, women of the earth, you are beautiful, just as men, sunsets, and babies are; because the Almighty God who reigns over the entire earth made you.  That beauty however, comes from Him, and exists to draw you to Him and adore Him and worship Him and see His infinite value and beauty. 

Because I'm a mother, I am always on the other side of the camera, trying to capture those precious moments.  I have very few pictures of me with any of our children, even during the years Kevin was deployed, there are more photos of him with the kids than with me.  

The iPhone has enabled all of us to be on both sides of the camera.  Now I am finally able to be in pictures with my children.  Yet, I still hesitate because I want to fight the self-absorbed inclination that all of our hearts have.

I have this beautiful new daughter, who I love dearly, and has captured my heart in a way different than any of her brothers did.  I was, indeed, attempting a "selfie" with her to send to my mom.  

She could see herself, but what did she look at?  Me.  She turned to look at me.  Our Savior sits near us, and holds up the mirror to our hearts to show us we have been made clean and are more beautiful than ever, but the Spirit moves that gaze from ourselves to the Father.  Only in being justified by the blood of Jesus can we see all along it was because of what He has done.

Full Bellies and Full Hearts

When we see Kevin’s parents, our kids enjoy days full of adventure; exploring in the woods, driving motorized mini jeeps, building forts of real wood, hunting for turtles and lizards, going on ranger rides, and taking hikes.  Not only do we enjoy adventure, but the beauty of nature, and my mother-in-law’s wonderful cooking. 

By the time we are in the car on our way home, our bellies are full, our hearts are full, our legs are tired, and our imaginations expanded. 

In this place, I looked back and Evan’s eyes were fighting the sleep that was seducing him.  I reached out to hold his hand, and we were caught in a gaze together, and that’s when he asked, “Can I have some friends?”

I had to turn my face from laughter, and my giggles almost immediately turned to tears when I answered him and said, “I can’t give you friends, but I’ll be your friend.”

Hasn’t this happened to each of us?  We experience some aspect of life in a measure so full, and then find ourselves wanting even more.  The fullness only whet our appetite for more. 

More what?  At times, our own hearts cannot put words to what it is we want.  Yet, my three year old was able to articulate his heart.

This is exactly how we come to Jesus.  We look at Him and ask for Him to fill our bellies, to give us adventure, to give us aesthetic pleasure, and He says, “You can have me, that appetite that seems unquenchable, it’s for me; and I satisfy.”

expressions of God through my children

People ask me all the time lately how my little girl is doing. 

Wonderful.  She is wonderful, sincerely, she is a delight.

She is still a baby and so she cries, gets cranky, and has poopy diapers, but still in all of that she is a gift.  My heart has been overwhelmed with love with each of our children, but she is different.  And because the question comes at me so consistently, I began to contemplate a better answer.

As I laid in bed a few nights ago, it was clear:  she is, more than anything, an expression of God's love to me.  Moments later, I realized this was true of Davis and Ronin and Evan and Eli, each has been an expression of an aspect of God's character to me.

Davis was and continues to be an expression of God's provision to me.  He was an extreme surprise to us; I was pregnant a month after getting married while on birth control.  While he was unexpected to us, four months after he was born when Kevin left for Basic Training; there was no doubt the Lord had provided for me a son--a son that had the eyes and heart of his father.  Davis was so much like his Daddy, it seemed sometimes I wasn't without him.  During the very challenging days of Kevin's PTSD, Davis was an incredible help to me with his younger brothers, and still is a huge helper to me.

Ronin is an expression of God's grace, of His undeserved blessing.  Kevin left for the Mojave when Ronin was two days old, and was gone for a month.  As a baby, Ronin was incredibly laid back, a means of grace for a mother who was helping a certain 3 year old adjust to life outside the spotlight.  When Ronin was five months old, Kevin left for the 15 month tour to Iraq, and we went 10 months before we saw Kevin.  Little Ronin seemed to lavish grace on me through smiles and giggles and a general sweet disposition (though he did have a bit of an aversion to discipline).  He consistently surprises me with his humor, his ability to understand without words what I sometimes feel, and his ability to make me feel valued and honored.

Evan and Eli are expressions of God's miraculous power and redemption.  If you don't know their story, it's blogged and you should read it--because if you have ever doubted miracles happen, their little lives are evidence they still do.  Not only do I see the hand of God to work miracles when I look at them, but also I know He redeems what has been lost--in part now and in full later.  Kevin missed the age of six months to about one and a half with Davis and Ronin, which is the reason we tried for a third child, because he was out of active duty and wouldn't miss that precious time of growth in this unborn child.  Well, there were two instead of one.  And the younger two were so like the older two during those stages it was as though the time lost with Davis and Ronin was redeemed in Evan and Eli.

And then there's Baylee.  Since nearly the beginning of our marriage, we have been operating at a pretty high pace.  One adventure after another after another.  While five kids does not quite seem like a time to rest, it is.  It has come with a set of different challenges that my heavenly Father has given me a precious girl as a means of saying, "I love you." 

This season will still be an adventure but a different one, one where I can catch my breath, one where I see His hand of provision in a more mature way, His grace in a new way, His power and redemption in a new way, and one where He wants me to know the depths of His love.

"She looks just like you."

Hearing those five words makes my heart swell.  Swell.  I think our brand new baby girl is quite possibly the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.  I want people to know she is mine, to know she belongs to me.

Parenting brings many insights, I'm on baby number five, and they are still coming.  Honestly, I thought there wouldn't be quite so many after having five children, but alas, I was absolutely wrong.  Some of the most profound ones have been because of this girl, Baylee.

When I first heard someone say those words to me, "She looks just like you," I felt my entire being smile.  As God's children, He is pleased when He hears someone say, "She looks like Jesus."  I don't mean we look Jewish with an angular nose and olive skin, but that our heart, attitude, words, or actions displayed the love of Christ to someone.  His heart swells when someone looks at His children and they actually look like they belong to Him, when people know whose you are.

Baylee is beautiful, I promise (I'll post pictures eventually), and as the thought settled into my heart, I realized that if people think she looks like me, there must be beauty in me.  The illumination from earlier just got brighter; when people see Jesus in us, it points to the beauty of our Creator, of our Father.  In those wonderful moments when we look like Him, we are showing people that He is glorious, that He is kind-hearted, that He is forgiving, that He is beautiful.

the best job

Some of us choose the calling, to others it was definitely given.  I am in the second category, but because our second, third, and (technically) fourth children were planned I also feel I am partially in the first category.

My oldest son wanted to talk to me, just the two of us, no Daddy and no Ronin; this kind of time is pretty hard to come by, but we managed to sneak away to the back porch on a Sunday morning for some conversation.  He asked what it was like being a mom and dad (he also asked what it was like being married, because he's really nervous about it---that is probably a post for another day).  I responded honestly, "It is the hardest job I've ever had."

"But it's the best one."

It's true isn't it?  There are moments that I think really highly of myself, those times when all the children behave really well when we're in public, and I contemplate all the hard work we have done in raising them thus far.   Then we get home and they start whining, I yell at one of them, one of the babies will inevitably hurt himself, and on and on.

Reality sinks in...I am not the perfect mother and I do not have the perfect children.

To continue the hard work despite behavioral outcomes is incredibly challenging, a task I cannot bear; I do not have the consistency, the patience, nor the perseverance needed to be all the things our four children demand of me.  It is only in the power of Jesus Christ that I find all these things, I discover on a daily hourly basis I need sustenance that I can't provide for myself.

He is enough for the sometimes monotonous tasks of a mother's day.

Motherhood is a calling (it is not more noble than that of being a father or even of being single), and it is hard.  It is hard because the by-products of your work are constantly in front of you, because there is a temptation to count yourself worthy often, because to be successful it requires trust in Jesus--for the strength and for the future of your children.

It is the best job because it provides a daily means of my sanctification, because I see and understand more God's love for His children, and because when I slow my mind down long enough, my heart swells so with love it is hardly bearable. 

too quiet

Kevin was gone for work, so my wonderful mother-in-law took our older boys for a few days to help out. The first hour was so nice, so quiet, but then this morning I started feeling the need to scat around the house; bee-bopping around just so there was some noise.

Eli and Evan are now sleeping like big boys in their cribs and are no longer swaddled at night or for naps. This has been quite an adjustment, one that Kevin should be grateful he did not have to endure.
However, it means I get to capture little moments like these. Eli's little bare-feet, his face in his hands, and his new favorite way to sleep: on his tummy.

After they eat at eleven o'clock, they are usually bombarded by Ronin. He is in their face, talking, laughing, giving them toys.
Not this time; it was quiet, Evan went right back to sleep. He threw his hands up once at the sound of the shutter on the camera, but turned his head and kept on with his after-nap snooze. Evan's hair is growing much faster than Eli's for some reason, and I just love it.
It is nice to have some lazy time with the babies, but I think I am ready to have our big boys back in the house making a ruckus.

an ode to children (and the God who gave them)

Any mother will tell you that everyday is not a holiday, some are so incredibly difficult that at the end of the day, you feel like crumpling into the couch and crying; and sometimes we actually do it. However, the ways in which they have enriched my life are too numerous to count because they are indeed gifts from God.

I know more now what it means to love without condition: none of our babies ever did a tiny thing for us to love them, yet the love that fills the space in my heart for each of our children is overwhelming. I know more deeply now God's sovereignty over all things, even when your baby's life is hanging in the balance. He has shown me He is good and He is in control whether He gives life or takes it away.
I understand more now than ever how the sufficiency of Christ for the work of my salvation had absolutely nothing to do with me in the same way the birth of Davis, Ronin, Evan, and Eli had nothing to do with them. God formed them in my womb through the glory that is found in the intimacy of marriage. None of them just decided they were going to be born one day. It was all an act of God, every part. From conception to delivery not a moment was in their control.
He has shown me through the gift of children glimpses of what the Father sees when He looks at His children when they are hurting, and His desire and complete ability to comfort us when we feel pain.
He has shown me through parenting how His mercies are new every morning; how regardless of the times we fall and fail, He continues to hold His hands out and encourage us to take steps to Him. Because of my inability to answer all the"Why's?" our precious two-year-olds ask, He shows me He is the Answer to all my questions, the Truth is found in Him. When little eyes look to me, I am confident I must look to Him.
Having children is a blessing, it is a means of refining my heart in ways I could not have imagined. The ultimate reality that it is all about God (not about me, or even my kids) is deeper now and fresh everyday. The call to motherhood is a rich and weighty one, and I am challenged, honored, and rewarded consistently.

I celebrate those who have made the choice not to have children so they can see children added to the kingdom of God, I do not judge those who are unsure if the task of motherhood is for them, I empathize with those who long for the warmth of a baby to fill their arms, and I ache for those who have known the presence of a baby in the womb and lost it.

The solace is the same for all of us: Jesus. He satisfies our deepest desires, and we can trust Him with everything: the joy, the frustration, the uncertainty, the longing, and the pain.

finger toes

That's right, finger toes, some call them monkey toes, but either way, I am sure you know what I'm talking about. Toes that function like fingers; they run in my family. Many of my friends made fun of me for my finger toes when I was growing up, but you know who's laughing now?

I am.

My finger toes have made my pregnancy survivable. I'll be honest, if something falls to the ground and it is not important, it will stay there until Kevin or one of the boys pick it up. However, if I need to pick something up, my belly does not like bending over, and my toes come to the rescue.

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago the fluid in Evan's sac measured 15cm, yesterday it measured 7.9cm. The normal fluid volume is around 5cm, which is right where Eli's is, two weeks ago there wasn't a pocket deep enough to measure.

The day after the surgery, Evan was breech and Eli was still hanging out pretty close to the wall of the uterus. Yesterday, they were both head down and moving around like crazy.

Our first ultrasound with Dr. Mirabile showed significant distress in Evan's heart, and some issues for Eli too. The distress is gone, but their hearts still need recovery and healing. The doctor said their hearts will take the longest to heal because the issues took so long to develop.

We continue to be amazed at who God is and what He does, and we continue to trust His hand in healing the boys' hearts while He holds ours through this process.

Dreaming in Dopplers

Ultrasound after ultrasound for these boys that grow in my belly have been happening in the last week. I am amazed at technology, and in awe of the way God gifts people. After so many ultrasounds, laser surgery, and some ToGo Chili’s, I laid down to try and sleep, and all I could see were the images from all the Doppler readings.

Blood flow in the heart, in the umbilical cord, and in the brain are all incredibly important when performing the procedure that was done at Texas Children’s Fetal Center. Each of these can be measured by the Doppler readings in the ultrasounds.

Flashing red, blue, and sometimes hints of yellow and orange dance on the black and white screen illuminating what we know is true: Life is in the blood.

four princes

I suppose it is time to make it official and let the world know: I am pregnant with twin boys.

Last week our whole family went to the doctor to find out the gender of the baby growing in my belly, to our surprise, the doctor said there are two growing and they are both boys.

Here's to the adventure ahead of us with our four princes!

when I grow up...

We were driving the other day, and Davis excitedly declared to us that he wants to be a doctor astronaut when he grows up.  I applauded his choice, asked him some questions, and encouraged him that he can do anything he wants when he grows up.

Next, he looked at Kevin, and asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  I love that he doesn't think we're grown up yet, because he asked me the same question.  I hope I continue to keep some sense of child-likeness, hopefully not in maturity but in my sense of wonder and dreams.  

When I was very little my mom picked me up from Sunday School one morning only to find me very upset.  I explained how I wanted to be a star when I grew up, but my teacher told me I couldn't.  Angry with the teacher, my mom began to assure me I could be a star; if I worked hard enough I could be anything I wanted to be.  When I elaborated on how I love that stars get to shine so brightly in the sky, mom realized her error.  

My mom's explanation brought me to terms with reality, and I found new dreams and new aspirations, but the desire to bring glory to God simply by being what I was created to be has never left me.  Seems as though Jesus keeps teaching me that there are other ways to shine.

working girl

I have always been in awe of the women who work and come home to be a mother (another full time job).  It seemed to me something I could not even fathom.  I have felt the challenges of being a full-time mother are just as difficult, only different.

Now I know.  I am experiencing the working world.  I have only been working for about two and a half weeks, and already my level of wonder at those working mothers has increased.  The place I work is great, the people I work with are great, my hours are great, but I am still adjusting and appreciating more and more mothers of all varieties.

a Mother's Day post

I have now been a mother for almost five years.  In those five years I have learned a lot simply by practice.  However, I probably learned most how to be a mother from my own, during the eighteen years I was home.  Here are a few:

1.  It's better to be a parent than a friend.

2.  Rules create responsibility and responsibility produces maturity.

3.  Each child is different and necessitates different discipline.

4.  It is important that a mother love father more than her children.

5.  And that she love Jesus more than him.

6.  Let your children take risks, but be close by.

7.  One of the goals of parenting is to inspire independence.

8.  Truly, there is no greater joy than to see your children walk in Truth.

9.  Teach your children the Bible more than you teach them numbers or the alphabet.

10. It is good to laugh and not take yourself too seriously.

11.  Always respect and honor your husband, it has an effect on children-lifelong.

12. Love your children and value them for their uniqueness.

13. Share in your children's excitement, and sympathize in their sadness.

14. Listen.  And they will return the favor.

15. It is an absolute joy to be a mother.

I could probably go on and on.  Thank you, Momma, for teaching me how to be a mother without even knowing.  You have made me a better mom.

mothers are multi-taskers

Someone told me the other day that I'm not quite as good of a multi-tasker as I once was.  This came as quite a surprise to me, and for a moment I believed them.  Until I gave it some more thought.

In reality I am doing so many things during every moment of every day that I cannot add some of the things I once could.  All day every day, I am listening to two boys being attentive to each word: to possibly correct, to laugh, to encourage, to teach.  I am watching two boys: to make sure they don't hurt themselves, hurt each other, or break anything.  I am cleaning: their toys, their messes, their scrapes and cuts, our plates, our clothes.  

I am doing my best to love my husband in a way that my children can see it (even when he is not there) and to love my children in such a way that they see the love of Jesus.  There's no weekend to being a mother; the job just keeps right on going.

So Mothers, be encouraged, you are multi-taskers and you're probably pretty darn good at it.