Hurt=Anger

My wonderful husband, at one time, was like a big brother to me.  I only dreamed I would marry someone like him one day (but I got him, bless my soul!).  We were nerds, and would actually spend our free time with others just praying; praying for revival, praying for God to move in ways we had never seen in our measly sixteen to twenty years of life. 

And move, He did.  So later we would talk about how we wanted to be soaked up in affection for Jesus, about sin that was keeping us from doing just that, and all sorts of other things.  Kevin has always been able to articulate things I have not.  I often found myself (even in our early marriage) saying, "Ahhh, yes!" Because he had given words to things my heart longed to say. 

A few nights ago we were sitting in bed, talking; talking about these last three years (which have been incredibly challenging). And I spoke to him of the hurt my heart has endured honestly, for the first time.  I explained my anger was a result of this hurt.  Anger was the only emotion I felt I could express because I could not express need or hurt, so anger came out.

Right then, Kevin had an "Ahhh, yes!" moment.  I had given words to things his heart didn't even know how to say.  I cannot even begin to pretend I know how much pain Kevin saw and endured while in Iraq, but I can tell you there was not a single time he expressed it.  So, what we experienced as a family was anger instead of the hurt that was trapped inside of him for so many years.  

We are embarking on a journey of healing, and it's beautiful.  Wet with tears, and beautiful. 

"She looks just like you."

Hearing those five words makes my heart swell.  Swell.  I think our brand new baby girl is quite possibly the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.  I want people to know she is mine, to know she belongs to me.

Parenting brings many insights, I'm on baby number five, and they are still coming.  Honestly, I thought there wouldn't be quite so many after having five children, but alas, I was absolutely wrong.  Some of the most profound ones have been because of this girl, Baylee.

When I first heard someone say those words to me, "She looks just like you," I felt my entire being smile.  As God's children, He is pleased when He hears someone say, "She looks like Jesus."  I don't mean we look Jewish with an angular nose and olive skin, but that our heart, attitude, words, or actions displayed the love of Christ to someone.  His heart swells when someone looks at His children and they actually look like they belong to Him, when people know whose you are.

Baylee is beautiful, I promise (I'll post pictures eventually), and as the thought settled into my heart, I realized that if people think she looks like me, there must be beauty in me.  The illumination from earlier just got brighter; when people see Jesus in us, it points to the beauty of our Creator, of our Father.  In those wonderful moments when we look like Him, we are showing people that He is glorious, that He is kind-hearted, that He is forgiving, that He is beautiful.

a bit of news

I am pregnant (yes, again) with our fifth baby (yes, fifth).  This changes things here on the blog just a bit.  We will now be a family of seven!  Aaaannnnd.....it's a girl, so I'll need to be changing the entire blog name soon, since she will be arriving at the end of April. 

from the other side (a spouse's struggle with PTSD)

I would never have dared speak of my struggle during the depths of Kevin's struggle with PTSD, in fact, there are few with whom I shared my side of the journey.

Now it is different, Kevin really has experienced healing, he really does still struggle, but he also knows there was a struggle on my side as well, and acknowledging it doesn't make him angry, but thankful for God's overwhelmingly sufficient grace.

I will say with confidence every spouse who has dealt with a veteran who struggles with PTSD has felt very alone.  Strangely, the veteran feels totally and utterly alone too.  This seems paradoxical, to have two people fighting against the same thing, but both feeling so alone.

My experience was not my husband's, but I don't hear many spouses tell their story, mainly because we're afraid to and even feel we are not allowed to express our hurt, struggle, or fear.  Because of the REACH program at the VA, I've actually spoken to other wives, and I was amazed at the shared feelings among all of us.  So I decided to write.  About our side, our side of the fight.  

There were days I felt like I had PTSD, days I wanted to lash out in anger, days I wanted to give up.  That is where the greatest challenge lies:  the man who you knew as a rock, who could not be shaken by mortar rounds, by incessant patrols, by days on end without your companionship, now seems unable to bear your 5 year old's fits of frustration or even just being in a room full of people.

I finally learned the worst thing I could ever do, was to get angry when he got angry (even though that is exactly what I wanted to do).  I learned how to cope with this new man, how to give him space, how to take the blame for every argument, how to always say sorry and expect to never hear him say the same words.  I learned his triggers, how to avoid them (as best I could), when not to leave him alone with our children, and when not to leave him alone.

I felt afraid, alone, and unsure about our future.

What do you do?  In that place of fear and uncertainty.  Trust Jesus, pray, believe unswervingly in the power of the gospel, pray, wait, and pray more.  As a spouse, you must remember you are not alone; yes, because God is with you, but also because there are thousands of wives fighting this fight with you.  Most often, they are fighting silently, just as you are.  Help is out there---for you and for your spouse, you are not weak if you get it, and neither is he.  Some days stick with the Army motto, drink water and drive on, but not in desperation, rather clinging to the hope of Christ and the knowledge that God is still God, and nothing will change that.

wade in the water

You may remember the series of posts on Davis's journey of faith; we talked with our pastor about baptism and he advised that we continue to talk with Davis about the gospel and watch for the evidence of the grace of God and fruit of faith in his life.

Though we waited quite a while, there is no doubt in his mind (or ours) of the transforming power of the gospel in his heart.

So, on Father's Day, Kevin had the honor and privilege of baptizing Davis.  We helped Davis understand baptism as a ceremony.  In the same way a wedding publicly proclaims a man and woman belong to each other, a baptism publicly proclaims you belong to Jesus.

a 13 minute investment

Kevin showed me this video about a month ago, it has some graphic images in it, so if you get queasy, you may want to skip this one.  However, it is enlightening to the internal, mental battle that so many of our combat veterans face.  If you are one of those that desires to understand what those with PTSD are really facing on a day to day basis, watch this video:

Now, after

cutest bath time pictures ever

I know, I know, it's a pretty weighty claim, but look at these guys!  

 Eli is on the right and Evan is on the left.  At first, they were sitting side by side with their backs to me, but the water shifted them just a bit.